Feb. 17 - Anagapesis in Posso's Prompts

Anagapesis (n:) loss of feelings for someone who was formerly loved ; falling out of love.

As this year has gone on, I have found it increasingly difficult to let go of the past. A lot of the stories I’ve shared have obviously been things that have occurred in my life already and while they’ve been fun to articulate, document and share with everyone that reads my babbling, sometimes I wonder if it’s actually helping me or making the struggle of moving on and forward more difficult than I need to make it. Sure, I do enjoy telling stories, especially ones we can laugh at and think about how dumb I’ve been - is it healthy though? Does reliving all of this somehow make myself better? Looking at the definition of the word and knowing what I’ve been writing about a lot lately, you’d think that this would be something further along the lines of another sob story or wanton whorish trifle about a relationship but in all honesty with all the self reflection and alone time I’ve been taking, I think I have fallen out of love with the image I portray myself as in public.
They all talk about how I’m good for a laugh, how giving me a few whiskeys can lead to some memorable quotes and that I always seem sarcastic and snarky yet kind and willing to be there for anyone that needs it. Looking at it right now, I realize that if I’m not making a public exhibition of my life that I get left alone. I’ve gotten used to not being around the people I care about just to avoid the whole connotation that I can’t hang out in a bar without drinking - I don’t care but the curse of everyone’s prior failures proceeds me and people think I don’t have self control. I can say it like an AA meeting - I don’t need to drink. I don’t roll out of bed and crack a beer to become functional for a day. I’m not dependent on booze and I don’t need it for my every day life. It’s been a sobering realization though that I was drinking a lot just to ease the physical pain of all of my cancer treatments in the last few years. The dull throbbing pain in my surgically repaired groin is consistently there again. The pain of just chewing and opening my mouth to speak is readily detected any time I am out in public. Not drinking to numb everything has made it so I can feel the parts that I couldn’t and while it’s been scary to realize just how broken my insides are it’s also been rewarding to see that I don’t feel bloated after every weekend double. I have not woken up to piss and moan about how bright it is and throw up eight times in an hour before passing back out for a full day off. I have fallen out of love of being the center of the social butterfly spotlight. The change has been noticeable and the shift in friendships and people that even just reach out to me has been obvious. As much as I can’t leave behind the feelings for some of the most important people that have impacted my life in the last few years, I can definitely leave behind that persona of having to be drunk to make everyone happy.