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OMG - the gym was packed full of hot guys on Saturday morning for the big 90 minute class! I’m not sure where these guys are coming from. Is it that I’m just finally athletic enough to put some focus on things that are happening around me rather than hyperfocus on my own reflection in the mirror while I run on the treadmill or lift weights? Maybe that’s the case. I also think it’s that people are just frigging ugly at my “normal” 4:30am class on Mon/Wed/Fri (including and especially me). Regardless, I’ve figured out that the hot guys come on the weekends, early-ish in the morning (this class was at 8:15), for a Saturday/Sunday, and they are all friendly and motivating! Note to self: LOOK CUTE ON WEEKENDS!! I normally look like something the cat drug in at my 4:30s. I’m also normally super bitchy because 4am is just such a RUDE awakening.
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After gym on Saturday, I blew off talking with The Scot as I’m slowly weaning myself from him. But I do have some things to say about him. Yes, we are still in communication. He has issues beyond what I know about, and has nearly had a breakdown…he’s seeing a counselor of some sort - going through therapy of some sort, so I’m hoping for the best for him. But in thinking about him I’m thinking a lot about myself. Like, why would I hold out hopes for someone who lives nearly five thousand miles away? Why would I let him even get under my skin instead of chalking it all up to a good time (which I have…but I still hold tiny hopes in my heart). I’m sad for him and hopeful for him, but I need to make sure I fully let go pretty soon.
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We did talk on Sunday via FaceTime. Guys, he’s lost even more weight and shaved off his beard. He looks so thin and tired…and yet, he’s still so hilariously funny. My heart kind of broke talking with him - and yet, he made me cry with laughter. The man has touched me in a significant way. I’ll never forget him, but I do have to let him go.
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A new guy would certainly help! I’m not holding my breath for Dr. D, however. He’s clearly having too much fun playing around and being a bachelor. That’s fine…but I’d say he wants to keep things extremely casual. He made a joke via text about going to the gun range with him and I played along but told him I wouldn’t be going with him anytime soon. I have a feeling we are very fundamentally different. Still, we have a date on Wednesday due to my trying to add to a conversation that ended up sounding like I was pushing him to ask me out on a date. That wasn’t my point, and it made me feel/seem aggressive, and I’m not happy about that. Still, I’m reluctantly going to see Green Book with him on Wednesday. I think he wants to get in my pants and yet…I don’t feel like I want to jump all over HIS pants at this point. What a bummer.
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Meeting a Bumble guy tonight. He lives in the building across the street from me…it’s a sleek highrise and I kinda want to live in his building. We decided to meet at the bar on the corner that’s a couple blocks away from both of our places. I wonder if I’ll see him walking over from across the street! Hilarious. I wonder why I didn’t just say let’s walk over together??? I hope he’s not a weirdo. I checked out his IG and it only goes back to when he moved to [my city] in September. Hmmmm. Starting a new life? I suppose we’ll see.
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I cried last night because I’m feeling really alone lately. I know! It seems like I’m always up to something with all the dating and stuff, right? But the thing is, and it’s always this thing, I want to be coupled up. I want a partner. It’s been since SexyPants. In fact, the LAST time we broke up was in early 2014. IN FACT, it was during our sales meeting this time of year, five years ago! And if we’re being honest, I hadn’t really felt securly coupled up for two years…so it’s really been seven years since I’ve felt like I was in a true partnership with someone. That makes me sad. And it made me cry for the first time in a long time. In fact, the last time I had a good cry like this was in September, in London, when I felt so alone.
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Men make me insane - insanely happy and insanely sad.
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Why do I try so hard? I will never give up. Why? Or do I just need to try even harder? Or just stop worrying about it? How do I make it seem like I’m not the aggressor when men are absolutely CLUELESS?? Is it okay to be the aggressor? Or is it creepy?
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Why do I still have all of these questions as an ‘older’ person? Why does the thought of having a boyfriend still make me giddy and the thought that I don’t have a sweetheart make me super, super sad?
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I’ve run out of things to say about MEN. For now. Except that I want what I don’t have…until I have it. And then what? Ha. Sort of.
xox,
GS
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