Well, once again I am alone here.
Megan left this morning on a road trip to San Diego with her husband's sister, who is having her bachelorette party there. Sunday night she'll fly back to NYC.
Kaitlin left last night. It was hard to drop her off at the airport. She is now back in frigid St. Paul.
My brother is still here, out at Dad's. Can't say "folks" anymore, now that Mom is gone. Still hard to believe. So hard to believe.
We had a small memorial service for her at a neighbor's on Wed. Just two days ago. It was beautiful. My girls did an awesome job making a huge photo board. I contributed the collage I made for their 60th wedding anniversary party last year. Just a year ago....Feb. 21, 2013. Seems like forever ago, but then again it seems like just yesterday. Amazing how Time just keeps on flying.
The memorial service was attended by close to 50 people, mostly neighbors and then friends who were down here visiting from MN. Both Megan and Kaitlin prepared a tribute to Grandma, as they were both very close to her. Just like me. I prepared something too, wrote it out in my notebook after typing several renditions. My folks' best friends, Gene and Geri, were there and Gene gave a great speech about how special their long-term friendship and experiences had been. He was teary-eyed. Dad stood up to speak next. He managed to get a few chuckles even.
I decided to stand up and speak off the cuff, as soon as Dad was done. I had pretty much wrote and rewrote what I wanted to say, so had it mostly memorized anyway. It's difficult to speak at funerals regardless who the deceased is, but your own mother? Still, I had to do it. Mom was one of my best friends. She was my biggest supporter. She often talked about how strong and smart I am, and how she had wished she was more like me. I spoke about she was largely responsible for who I became, and how grateful I was to have been there for her when first diagnosed with breast cancer, and again was able to be here the past several years and help out with medical appointments, etc. I spoke about how distressed she was when I received my own breast cancer diagnosis in December, how responsible she felt. And that now I have to fight this battle without her, but will do so in honor of her, and hopefully will beat the disease, or at least get another 32 years in remission as she did, and that my medical director said if I do, I'll be almost 90. Doesn't seem too bad.
Actually seems horrid. I am still reeling a bit due to all that's transpired the past few months. Reeling, for sure.
I'm propped up on the couch. Feeling okay, basically, as my last treatment was a week ago Wed. It took till yesterday though, for me to feel like me again. And I'm still not 100%. But I was able to cook a great supper for Megan and me, and earlier had made the three of us egg and cheese sandwiches.
I've communicated with my employer this week about my return to work date. I have one more of the tough A/C infusions next week. Then, I have two weeks off before starting 12 weeks of T/H infusions each week, and according to the MA, I can have those infusions on Wed. or Fri. So, looks like I can return to work basically full time, in a couple weeks, and then just have each Friday off. Assuming I feel okay to go to work the following Monday. We'll see. We shall just have to see.
Because in reality, I do not want to go back to work at all. I do not want to go back to that Den of Stress. The clinic has basically imploded since I've been gone. Had my surgery Dec. 18. Stopped working the end of the week before that. So my Family Medical Leave job protection is exhausted as of 3/6/14. What this means of course is that my employer does not have to hold my position for me beyond that. Well, that is a week from today. Technically, if I have to report to work the following Mon., I will, but I will not be doing much work. Just talking to people, probably, and there will be a lot to talk about. From all I've heard.
Like I said, I don't want to go back to that Den of Stress. But I have no choice really, as I have benefits and need them right now for navigating this cancer business. Need to keep my job. Need to stay there at least till I'm done with chemo this summer.
So, I started looking seriously today, and did apply to a few jobs, but I'm not going to hold my breath that anyone will contact me, and in reality who would want to hire me right now anyway, so why even bother? Guess I just felt like it was time to start. My girls think so too. They want me to find a job that isn't so stressful, too. The money doesn't even matter anymore, since I'm prepared to sell and live somewhere less expensive if I have to. Don't have to cross that bridge today.
Don't have to cross any bridges today, hopefully, but do want to go on a trail hike this afternoon, starting about 4 pm when it starts to cool off a bit. Yep, that's what I'll do. Fresh air and hiking. May give me a better perspective on things later. We'll see.
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