There is a breaking point I which a person succumbs to the weight of their pressures. For some people that point is sooner to break than others. For the people who hold onto what little strength they have left, when the moment they can't stand any more becomes more and more likely, those people hide it and endure the pain in silence.
I have come to the conclusion that my braking point is coming soon and there will be no avoiding it. For me the question isn't "When will I brake," but "How much more will I have to endure?"
Strength has different meanings for different people, but for me strength isn't about how much you can bench press or the level of physical pain you can withstand. For me strength is characterized by how silent you can be, when all you want is to scream.
I have lived my life as a mute, but I don't have the right to say that I'm strong. Faking a smile, forcing a laugh, and pretending to be happy, these are all things that after a while, became second nature. When the pressure starts to weigh you down you think, "If only they knew..." but you never open your mouth, after all, the less people know the better. Right? Thats what I tell myself, every time I think of confiding in someone. Because even when I reach out, I have lived my life in such silence that nobody can hear me anymore.
So how much can a human being endured before they buckle under the pressure? I don't know but who really knows that answer anyway.
I'm just so tired... I'm tired of trying, tired of living in this masquerade. I just want to give up. This persona of mine is getting harder and harder to maintain, I'm not alive anymore. For a long time now, I have just been floating along in life, getting swept under the current. For a long time now I haven't been living, just existing, in silence.
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