I Wish We Were Here Under Different Circumstances in Before we run, we crawl

takes a long haul off a candy cigarette and tosses it away Stay away from these folks, they’ll kill you. leans in THE ‘BETUS.

I hope everyone is safe and healthy. These are wild and wicked times and I’m so so so over it. I’ve been working remotely for the past two weeks as an essential employee and I’m floundering under the pressure of this pandemic. I raised a red flag like a month and a half or two months ago that I was getting on my way to burnt out and now I’m a semi-functional person. I’ve been making a lot of personal progress on managing my depression and moving my perspective from short-term to long-term. And then a virus gets dumped on us that us asking what next week is going to look like, the whole world uncertain. I want to stay up to date on current events, but my heart jumps out of my fucking throat and my eyes freely weep just scanning the headlines. I and the folks I care about most are high at-risk individuals and I’m terrified. I’m also separated from one of my primary partners and it’s been really difficult. My main love language is touch and my brain is screaming into the void of physical intimacy. I feel for everyone who can’t be with their loved ones right now.

~~~~
There’s a song stuck inside my head
But I don’t think, no I don’t think
I’ve ever let you hear this one before
It’s got a hook like you wouldn’t believe
Each line razor sharp and rhythm infectious
I play it on repeat until it bleeds me out
My throats raw from singing along
But maybe you’d like to hear about
How my footsteps echo down empty hallways
Stinging, bloodshot eyes I blame on the smoke
Reaching for another bowl, another toke

My body has been an electric prison
Please help, I’m stuck in here
And
I
Can’t
Breathe
The Wolves are at the Door
Howling tears at my ears
Scratching feeds my fears
I fear I won’t make it out of here
Because if I have to deal
With another day of
Blinding, damning, overwhelming
Crushing, suffocating, cringing
F E R A L F U C K I N G P A I N
When I answer H O W A R E Y O U ?
With another salvo of
Wincing, moaning, groaning
Gasping, sputtering, spasming
I D I E I N S I D E
And you get to watch
Front row seats
Sorry for the mess

~~~~~~

I haven’t written since October and months before that, and it shows. Oof. But I’m a little tipsy and a lot upset. I withdraw when I’m in stress and it’s been a lot of that. I’m off social media and am still struggling to find a community or group or connection. There’s a lot of little skills I need to brush back up on. I used to be a social butterfly, fit in and talk to and chat up anyone. Now I feel more jaded and less understood now as an adult and I need to work on that. Because if there’s months ahead of being at home, but not alone, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind. I need more connection to make it through this. I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made and right now my mind’s bulletin board just has a giant picture of Ralphie from the Simpsons on the bus saying, “I’m in danger.” I’m trying to keep my head above water and not dissociate. I lost last Friday to an episode and that scares me. I’ve been on high alert forever now and I’m exhausted, just trying to make it through the day so I can wake up and eke out another one. inhales deeply

So if anyone wants to play some Xbox or Steam or Oculus or Discord and play MTG or cribbage or color or sing (I’m bad, but I like it!) or do anything to break the tedium and connect, I’m down. This entry has been a lot of doom and gloom, but the best comedians have the worst depression, so let’s laugh together in the face of all this BS. :)

Everyone, please stay safe and healthy. Social distance if you have to go out, otherwise, keep your spirits up. <3