Feb. 10 - Sphallolalia in Posso's Prompts

Sphallolalia (n:) Flirtatious talk that leads nowhere.

This might not even be relevant as a middle aged man, since I can only began to imagine what any female has to go through in the same setting, but do you know how much I have to flirt as a general rule for being a bartender? There are times where it is super easy; I’m attracted to the person, their looks, personality. Other times, I know I’m holding back a physical wretch when I push words out of my piehole. Let’s be honest - I know I’m no catch physically. Having that said, I know that I need to be a verbally charming whore if I expect to get tipped well. Also, this means I’m not picky; if I have to bond with the bros over an NBA game that I could give a single flying fuck about, I’ll do it if there’s a few dollars left on the bar at the end of it.

When working at the piano bar on a weekend, it was prevalent and prominent that we would have gaggles of bachelorette parties and birthdays. The fellas I worked with were situation savvy and knew that if they used their looks they could squeeze these groups of women for every dollar they could (it’s a generalization, but females were never known as being predominantly extravagant tippers at the Ivory Room) while yours truly would sass and snark the pants off of the guys that were forced to tag along and the couples that felt neglected. In 5 years, I lost count of the nights I received hundred plus dollar tips when it wasn’t necessary, just because I put in the flirt for the situation. No washboard abs and veiny penis like Mason (friend and other bartender) arms? Then, by god, I’ll wear a floral button up and a vest and look stylish from the waist up. Flirting to me was a long con of a game, and for knowing I do not have the physical looks for it, I made myself superior in quirky comebacks, romcom movie quotes, cheesy pick up lines. It wasn’t just customers; I told my ex Kylie one night that she should just forge my last name on a checkout she was filling out because she should get used to signing it. Fuck yes, I don’t know when I’ll get to use that one ever again.

Some people don’t understand the concept: isn’t it kind of unflattering and cheap to perform for tips? Aren’t you paid well enough? My response always is, if you’re going out for entertainment, you should be able to pay for it, or else stay home. Buy your own case of Bud Light and sit in front of the TV and talk to yourself; surely don’t need to pay me to do that. If you’re coming out and you’re going to be a downer because you’re miserable, or you’re depressed, be ready to not get the flirtatious service you want; most people in the service industry can read that. It’s the same reason why everyone reacts when I leave a silly amount of money on a bill or the bar. I know first hand what it’s like to live from night to night and maybe only make $8 during a day shift. I’ve made the talk to make the extra dollar on the bill. Amused someone I’m not attracted at all to and taken phone numbers just to see if there’s cash attached instead. The service can even be shitty. I’ve also been there. It’s a lot to be on your ‘A’ game when you’re not only handling your own emotions and problems but then a couple comes in fighting, or a family attacks you with 8 separate but equally complicated modified orders. There’s a lot to be in the service industry that doesn’t get recognized, but when you go out of your way to make it an experience someone enjoys or quite possibly doesn’t forget to the point where they bring people with them for the next adventure, that’s when you know you’re good at the game that not everyone can play.

The problem I’ve had, especially lately, is turning the flirt game on. I’ve just lost all motivation for caring about what people see from me. Sports, trends, music, shooting general and generic shit doesn’t entertain me anymore to the point where it isn’t even about the money I’m missing out on. Condescending tone aside, I know I am great at what I do, but I’m in that place where I question the work I do and if I even care about it enough to want to do it anymore. There have been other entries about burn out and fatigue and putting the show on but really, lately, I don’t feel like I need to entertain anyone. Depression clearly has had something to do with it, but also to a lesser extent the fact that being sober has shown me how much I drank away my emotions compared to the others that do it as much if not more than me. Not jumping on a judgmental sober high horse, but is it worth it to continually make people happy when they just get drunk enough to forget anyway?