Surfacing in 2020

The crash I knew was coming hit in September, and now as 2020 begins I’m finally feeling like I’m beginning to resurface from the depths. Starting the new year with a new diagnosis and new medication- well, I got those in October actually but it feels like I’m just now starting to get a grip on things and process it all. Bipolar II. After decades of battling what had been diagnosed as Major Depressive Disorder- mostly without the help of medication or consistent therapy- I was given this new diagnosis by the NP I started seeing after the crash. The clinic I attend is my only option insurance-wise, and I’ve been less then thrilled with the service I’ve received there thru the years. I’ve been floundering for decades, and I’m still not sure if this is the right diagnosis and if Latuda is the right medication for me. But, I’m keeping an open mind and trying to learn all I can about both my newly diagnosed condition and the meds that are most effectively used to combat it. I’m still underwater mentally, but I’ve come a long way from the scary, murky depths I was trapped in this fall. Underwater but surfacing I think. My mind is more settled and balanced, but it feels like my actual brain is still encased in sludge. I’m more emotionally centered but feel a step or two behind intellectually still. Maybe that’s the tradeoff for being on this med, I don’t really know for sure yet. Or maybe Im not on a high enough dosage and need to up it, as the NP has suggested. I’m struggling with weight gain and some annoying tinnitus in my left ear- both side effects I’ve been told should not be happening on this med. The tiredness was expected, and I’m willing to live with that in exchange for a more settled mind, but I’m concerned what an increase in dosage may mean for these unwanted side effects. I’m trying to educate myself as much as I can before I make a final decision on that, and trying to learn all I can about living with BP II and the things I can do to keep my moods and emotions on an even keel. I’m hoping as the new year begins to unfurl that the slow rise from the depths continues unabated towards the surface, and that I can stick my head above water and feel like I can breathe in life on a consistent basis again. I need to write- both in my personal journal and here on PB. Writing clears my mind and keeps me balanced. The latest depressive episode completely wiped out any desire and ability I had to communicate on ANY level- especially writing- and my hope is that I’m slowly returning to a state of mind where I can express my thoughts and feelings clearly again. This entry is the first step in what I hope will be a re-established routine of daily journaling. I’ve already been pretty consistent in doing that in my personal journal these past few months, and now it’s time to get back on the PB bandwagon again. Onward....