analyze and dispose in Sometimes I feel dead inside

A few weeks, a couple nights of out partying my face off, a few days of hangovers and time away. the burning crush I had is now much less of an inferno threatening to burn my calm and cool exterior. Now is more of a fondness that isn’t forcing all the blood in my body to my face. I’m glad I was able to escape that childish reaction to a person I am not romantically involved with. It infuriates me to be so out of control of myself. Plus today was the first day I had seen her in a couple weeks, I didn’t think of her at all the entire time I was gone. usually when I am spending the holidays away I tend to think of how I’d love to share it with whatever girl I’m into at the time. Though I don’t really want to spend it with them, its more of a fantasy. I like my family too much to share them. Plus I don’t want to give up my holidays with them for someone I’m probably going to end up breaking up with or ghosting. Though I suppose you can’t ghost someone who’s gone on a trip and met your family I suppose. Plus the person I am around them is not really who I am away from them. I am more ridiculous, much louder (and I’m a pretty loud person to begin with), much more easy going and relaxed. though everyone is a little bit different around their families I suppose. i went down a little bit of a rabbit hole there. My infatuation was problematic to me, not the person themselves, she’s still nice enough. I don’t really know her well enough to make any assessments of her really. The problem had more to do with my inability to control my emotions, I suppose I should be happy. I wasn’t really feeling anything for anyone, I had started to assume that those feelings weren’t in me anymore. Or worse I had become so jaded that lust was all I could feel. Maybe I was making excuses, letting them control my ability to feel anything. i suppose its nice to know I can feel strongly about someone, even if I don’t know them. my revulsion is certainly not towards the person I had the feelings for but the feelings themselves. The unjustified affection directed to an unknown person. I mean the longest interactions I’ve had with this girl wasn’t very long and she didn’t seem overly reactive to the conversation. Sure she was pleasant, I’m not reading into anything, its impossible without more one on one time. That doesn’t seem like something that will happen anytime soon which is fine. the nice thing is because of that I don’t have the terrible dread and doom that comes from knowing there’s a significant other. The fallout from finding out that she’s not available or interested. I’m glad that I’ve gotten past that part of my life. I don’t want to do that anymore, especially when it doesn’t help me at all in any aspect of my life. Its strange, I’m not mad at this crush, I’m definitely not happy with the way I’ve handled them in the past, well mishandled them. I didn’t know any better, and I’m not going to play the what if game. I’m grateful I can still feel anything, I’m not happy that it went from slight fondness to full on infatuation without any provocation. I guess that’s the way it always works. Maybe its good to feel something other than lust, even if its just in disguise. I mean I haven’t felt anything for a woman I have slept with in years. That’s not pride, its more of an observation, I don’t treat them with distain. I am just disappointed in myself, even if I understand the function and need they are resolving. i never feel lonely, most of the time sex feels like something my brain wants more than other parts of my body want. The whole eyes are bigger than the stomach thing, but with more sex parts. thats ok, its better than nothing at all. i’m optimistic and maybe I’ll feel something for one of these women. Can’t know without trying right?