cubicles really hits close to home today in Sometimes I feel dead inside

Its amazing how selfish I can be. Maybe not, I don’t know. i mean I’ve certainly been a bit cowardly about this particular situation. Though I’ve also been infuriated at the stupid part of my brain that decided to crush on a girl that I’ve had only a handful of embarrassing interactions with. I hate that, I hate acting like an awkward teenager. I hate not being able to rationalize my way out of this. Though perhaps I could with more one on one time with this young lady. I mean did some basic recon on her, I just asked her friends about her, they said boyfriend and I made no attempts. It still hasn’t stopped my stupid head from being dopey about her. This has been going on for months. I addressed it on here, falsely claiming victory over this infatuation. But its a crafty opponent, just when I think its eliminated I talk to her and discover that I managed to pull off a shade of red reserved for being very drunk or very sunburn. Yeah awww adorable, no its irritating. The latest in this silly drama involves her leaving the company we both work for, I know I will never do anything and will most likely never see her again. Part of me is upset the pursuit never really got to happen, part of me is relieved that this silly teenage reaction will leave with her. I haven’t had them very often over the last however many years. part of me is annoyed that I never really had the chance to pursue, I mean yeah theres that desire for a challenge. I’m not going to lie about that, I do enjoy the game at times, I enjoy it more than actually dating most of the time. But it was not in the cards and I wish her the best. i mean I’m not lonely, and I’m not worried about being single. Quite the contrary I was looking at her like a girl I could do the relationship thing with not just the hook ups that seem to be the rule. Not that hook ups are bad. But maybe she would’ve turned out to be someone who I didn’t really like, maybe the idea of her in my head will never match up the real person. Either way, it is what it is.