tricky calls in 2019

10:57am

Well, I got that over with sooner than expected.

I’m trying not to cry about it, honestly, because crying is dumb…and super cathartic. ha. I’m at work though and that’s something I’ll probably reminisce on and save for tonight when I’m alone in my room.

I probably shouldn’t try to type much either. At least none of the real thoughts floating in my mind. Those will make my heart ache and I’ll feel bad all over again.

This will probably stay private because I still feel so stupid about the whole thing. I just don’t understand how I can feel so much for something/someone that didn’t matter.

Like everything makes sense in my head. I know exactly why it happened the way that it did. It was bad timing for sure. I was pretty screwed up and I still have so much healing to do. It was never real and should not have ever meant anything. I know all this. I was lonely and starved for affection and he’s the first man in a very long time to show me any of that.

That’s all it was. I freaken know this!! But it still hurts so much. And knowing the logic behind it didn’t keep me from sobbing into my hands Monday night…or last night.

I realize it was all a joke for him, but it wasn’t a joke to me at all. That’s the hard part.

I guess maybe I’m mad at myself for allowing my mind to get so wrapped up in the sexual attraction, chemistry, and passion. I’m not that kind of person. I mean, it’s all fine and dandy but that will never make a relationship last. I’m not the kind of girl that wants a temporary fling, as fun as it sounds, I just don’t have the mental/emotional capacity to handle all that. I get too attached [clearly!!] with my crazy loyalty.

There will come a time when I will finally be able to see this for exactly what it was and it will all click. I’m halfway there. The mental aspects all make perfect sense. My logical brain is like hello this is exactly the way it should be silly! But that stupid emotional side of me is still all omg he made you feel perfect you must be with him forever! As if some day he’s going to magically realize what he lost and want me back. Also, what the hell does that matter? I certainly do not need to wait around for someone to stop being stupid. It very clearly did not mean to him what it meant to me and maybe that’s the part I was hoping would change some day. =\

So, the phone call:

I was actually standing around listening to the brother tell us all his stories when the phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number so I picked it up like I normally do. The guy on the other end said he wanted to get his paperwork done and if that was something we do here. Well duh that’s basically all we do here! I’m pretty sure I rolled my eyes while talking because I figured it was another one of those annoying callers that just wants information.

Then he asked me what else we did here so I responded to that and he continued to ask what else. I was kinda annoyed at this point because like what the heck are you looking for? I asked what other kind of services he was looking for and then he thinks about it for a minute and goes, “what about laundry services or cooking?” And at this point I obviously knew it was someone messing with me but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out who it was! I couldn’t place the voice at all!! Which is crazy because I usually recognize his voice right away. He must be sick or something because he sounded way different. Plus he was calling from a different number [not sure if it’s new or for work] and it didn’t have a name attached to it on the ID.

There are only a handful of guys that would mess with me that way so I started running through names in my head and tried to match the voice. I thought it might be him but it really didn’t click!
He continued to ask me what else I could provide. Like random cooking/cleaning/domestic type chores. I said we didn’t offer that here. And he eventually joked that he knew why I didn’t offer that service because my mom does everything for me. That’s kinda when I knew for sure sure it was him. I told him that was a lie and kept asking who it was just to hear him confirm. He kept saying that he couldn’t believe I didn’t know who it was and then I finally said, “Is this TF?” Only I tried not to say it too loud because his brother was literally sitting a few feet from me. He was busy talking though so I don’t think he heard. Just weird that he’d call while he was here. What a coincidence.

At that point, once I knew it was him, I started to get a little nervous. I think it was something about having said his name out loud and my body had that anxious reaction it’s been having whenever he shows up. There was a lot of internal “you better freaken stop that Rose!” and I noticed I got real serious after that without even really trying.

I mean, it’s ok to joke. I definitely figured that’s how things would go between us. But I don’t really want to laugh with him anymore. He clearly does not want to be my friend, and we’re not going to be more, so what’s the point? He needs to be just another guy I have a conversation with once a year and we move on.

It’s nice the jokes didn’t get flirty like last year [still curious if he’s seeing anyone] but at the end he did mention something about making me uncomfortable by staring at my body parts. I don’t quite remember the context surrounding the comment. I know at some point he said something about bugging me and I said that he always bugs me but this was about work so whatever. He doesn’t actually have his paperwork yet but he did ask me one work related question. Which I had to look up and then wait for him to stop talking to what I assume was a coworker. He came back on the line saying “hello” and asked if I was waiting for him to shut up or still searching.

The call didn’t last long. Near the end is when he said the whole making me uncomfortable thing and I think it was because we were talking about him coming to see us. Apparently he likes to come in? I don’t even know how I responded. I think it was just an “oh ok” or “yeah” and he laughed in that uneasy way he does when he’s not sure if I’m joking.

If it was on me I hope he thought it was weird and awkward and he’ll leave me alone. I know we’ll see each other at least once, maybe twice, but no more games on my end. I really am over all that now. I promised myself I won’t get involved or wrapped up in it no matter what he says to me. I can’t keep torturing myself.

Would I still love to be friends? Yes, I’m not going to deny that. I think we could be pretty damn good friends if he’d just get over himself. But that’s alright. His brother makes me laugh more and he’s always been way nicer. I always say it’s too bad he was the one that’s married. ;) He spent a little over an hour with us this morning and we had plenty of laughs. A bunch of “promises” that will never happen were uttered but that’s alright too. We know him well enough by now. He didn’t even bring us Frenchies!! haha.

Apparently they’re getting together for the Superbowl [is that next Sunday?] but we’re working. Probably for the best so I don’t have to sit at home and listen to a million car doors slamming. [for the life of me I cannot figure out why they have to slam the door closed every single time!] He said they were roasting up a whole pig and maybe he could save us some plates since we’re at work all day but I doubt that’ll happen. He kept saying he would totally love to hang out with us but since it’s not his house he can’t just invite us. Which we definitely understand! Still, it would be nice to sit around and drink some whiskey with him. haha. We were discussing various liquors and he said he drinks a lot of crown. I told him about the XO I had that was really great. He was looking it up on his phone and found an XR that runs like 200 a bottle. I told him that I didn’t think any one would buy me a $200 bottle of whiskey. haha. We’re all going to try it together. I just don’t know in what year that’ll happen. =P

Ok so obviously it’s been a few hours since the initial phone call and stuff this morning and enough has happened to where I’m not feeling like a drowning dog.

The nice guy that filled out a survey a couple years ago saying I was pretty came in earlier today. That’ll boost a girl’s spirit. haha. Plus some other good work stuff. I actually got to eat lunch! Which always makes a good difference! I look super cute today. So everything is going decent enough. I really have to struggle and push myself to crawl out of this TF hole I tend to fall into every time he comes around. I promise this time is going to be different though. It’s already different. And I’m not going to be so damn stupid in the future.

Damn evolution wanting me to make babies and then my body putting happy chemicals in my brain to convince me it’s a really good idea. That crap f*cked me up in the worst way. But I’ll be okay. From here on out. I won’t ever be that stupid again.

Ugh. I got distracted again and I need to post this because it’s late, so yeah. Not going to bother with any more thoughts tonight.

rose.
10:28pm