Dumped in New Beginnings

I thought everything was going well, then Erika sent me a break up email last night at 11:00pm.

Dear Rob,

I want you to know that the whole tone of this e-mail is gentle, kind, and soft spoken. I am not and have not been angry or upset, nor do I feel hurt, and the last thing on earth I would ever want to do is hurt you. But I need you to know more than anything, that at no point during this e-mail is it ever my intention to raise my voice, get upset, be angry, or anything else negative like that. As I said, those aren’t the feelings I’ve been feeling and I don’t feel any of that right now. I have a lot to say and I thought it would be better in writing because I’m more articulate in writing. Any and all of what I have to say is up for discussion and I am 100% open to hearing your perspective if you decide you want to give it after reading all of this. I have a lot to say and don’t know how much of it is going to be cohesive, so please bear with me.

It is my feeling that our relationship has run its course. It honestly doesn’t even feel like we’re in a relationship. This is no one’s fault, and I’m not looking to blame you for anything, please understand. I guess first and foremost: Rob, I don’t want you to settle for someone you’re not in love with. I don’t want you to have a passionless life. In my lifetime study of people and humanity, it is my understanding that men who are in love pursue the woman they are in love with. And it is my perspective that I am not being pursued by you. And because I have such little relationship experience, it’s taken me a while to figure out exactly what feels wrong here and why, but I have clarity now and I’m not ok with not being pursued.

I think we made a mistake of jumping into an exclusive relationship. Please hear me: I am NOT looking to see other people, I honestly don’t want to see anyone else, and I haven’t met anyone else. That’s not why I’m saying this. I’m just saying, (and I should have been upfront about this from the start and again, I’m sorry I wasn’t…I just didn’t know any better), that I don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship until God makes it perfectly clear to both parties that we are the ones He has for each other. Men who are in love KNOW. People who are in love KNOW. I’ve heard it said often, “When you know, you just know.” And because I’m not being pursued, I’ve grown very hesitant and have held back more and more of myself and my life because I don’t want to give it to someone who doesn’t want it. And you’ve made it very clear how unsure you are, and please understand that I’m not angry at that. I appreciate very much how upfront and honest you’ve been about everything. I respect you so much for that, and I honor that. I completely 100% understand that the most important things in your life are your job and Athens, and I hope you know that I couldn’t be happier that you have finally found a job that you absolutely love and feel passionate about and find joy in every day. Believe me, I WANT that for you. I’d never want to take that away from you. And you’ve talked so much about how long you’ve wanted to get back to Athens. I think this relationship isn’t going anywhere because perhaps deep down, you know you’re supposed to stay there and that’s where you’re called to be. Again, believe me, Rob, I don’t want to take ANY part of your life or your calling away from you. I want you to have the very best of what God has for you in this life because I truly do care about you.

I respect that compatibility is very important to you. And I’m not saying it’s not important to me because it is very important to me. However, compatibility isn’t what a life is built upon. And it isn’t what true love is built upon. I don’t want to be with someone I can live with. I want to be with someone I can’t live without. I want to be with someone who is excited to be with me and thinks he is the luckiest man in the world because I am his. I don’t want to be with someone who feels lukewarm about me. I’m not accusing you of such, but I am saying that it is my perspective that lukewarm (at best) is how you feel about me. If this is true, that’s ok, and I’m not mad at you for that. You can’t help it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t help who you care about and who you don’t care about. I’m not upset at you in the least. But I am saying that I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t in love with me.

When it comes to relationship and the possible pursuit of marriage as a concept at large, this is how I see those things and what I want my future to look like if God does have a spouse for me:

-I’d only want to be married if I could serve the Lord better as part of a married couple than I can as a single person.
-I’d only want to be married if the relationship’s foundation was upon Jesus Christ and we’d grown so spiritually close to each other and the Lord in our relationship that the only possible way to grow closer to each other and Him would be to get married. (One of the biggest concerns I have is that our relationship’s foundation is NOT the Lord. I’m learning that it is not enough for us both to be true, Bible believing, Christ-following people. It’s important, but it’s not enough. Unity in marriage isn’t going to be there unless the spiritual foundation is there beforehand.
-I’d also only want to be married if I brought out the best in him and he brought out the best in me and we both pointed each other closer to Christ. I don’t feel like this is true with us.
-I’d only want to be married if my marriage was a symbol of Christ and His love for the church. Jesus pursues His bride and that’s why I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to want to be pursued. And here’s the thing: I DO think that BOTH the man and the woman should pursue each other and serve each other and love each other…I don’t think that’s just the man’s job. But I do think it’s the man’s job to lead and that’s why I won’t lead. I will respond in kind to how I am led, but I am not going to take bad habits of usurping the male leadership role prior to marriage which will only continue to encourage passivity in a husband. I won’t do that. There is SO much that I have to give, want to give, and am ready to give. But I’m not going to give that to anyone who doesn’t want to pursue my heart and win my heart.
- As I said earlier, I would want to be married to someone I can’t live without who also can’t live without me. Now, this assumes that both parties are still alive. If one goes home to be with the Lord, then I would trust the Lord to give the remaining spouse the strength to move on and find joy in life alone.

I’ve heard you say a few times now that you felt like you were getting a little too comfortable with your solitude and should maybe learn to socialize more. In my opinion, being too comfortable with one’s solitude is not a reason to be in a romantic relationship or to get married. It’s my perspective that you’d rather have solitude anyway, so gosh, if that’s what you want, then please don’t let me get in the way of that.

Also, I would want to be with someone who can appreciate every part of me and my inner self and not just my body. Don’t get me wrong....it means the world to me that you’re someone I wouldn’t have to change my body for, that you love my body, and all that other stuff....that’s really nice and I really appreciate that. But I am SO much more than a body and I don’t want to bore you into oblivion by all the other things I’d want to share that’s going on in my life if you don’t care. I’m not saying you don’t care. I’m just saying it’s my perspective that you’d be ok not ever talking. And if that’s true, I respect that and I honor that. I’m just saying that in a relationship, I would need more than that.

Once God opened my mind up again to the possibility of marriage, I prayed that HE would show me godly men still exist. And He did. None of them were right for me but it was nice to know that there are men in this world who love Him. And then I prayed for Him to show me a godly man who is compatible with me. And He showed me you. And I am so thankful for that. You are a good man, Rob. You’re a very good man, and I respect you immensely. But, now, I’m praying for a godly man who is compatible with me AND who could fall madly, passionately in love with me someday and pursue me and win my heart. Please understand that every ounce of my being was hoping that man would be you. And I’m not saying you couldn’t possibly be that man. Maybe one day you could be. I’m just saying that right now, a godly man who is compatible with me who is passionately in love with me AND pursues me is NOT in my life. And I’m not going to go look for him. But I do want God to lead him to me and be open to whoever he is. And I don’t want to force anything. If you don’t feel like that’s you, I understand. You can’t help the way you feel....if you’re not in it, you’re not in it- that’s ok. I don’t have any ill will towards you.

I have clarity about why I’ve been struggling so much this week. First, I just thought I was being stupid, irrational, and impulsive by feeling like I wanted to write you this message. And so, I continued to hang back, pray, reach out for guidance and wisdom, and everyone except one person told me I just need to be patient and give it a chance. And it’s not that I’m not willing to be patient and it’s not that I’m not willing to give it a chance. But I do question: WHAT would I be giving a chance to? Is there anything there anymore to even give a chance? Or has our relationship just run its course? We don’t really have anything to say to each other anymore and that’s kind of sad to me. We don’t seem excited to talk to each other anymore and that’s kind of sad to me too. We don’t do any of the things that people who are in love do…you know, I have a friend who has been married for over 20 years who can’t even stand to go one day without talking to her husband. They are completely, totally, insanely in love with each other. And I think that is so beautiful. Don’t get me wrong- I don’t need or require talking every day. But I don’t feel like you’re supposed to feel when you’re in a relationship. And I can’t imagine that you do either. If we’re both perfectly content and just fine without each other, then I’d question why we’re together in the first place. Wouldn’t you? You need to know that writing this to you ISN’T me being impulsive…I am not in an emotionally heightened state at all. I waited for total peace before I sat down to write this.

When I think about how much we DO have in common it makes me sad to think that you’re not the only God has for me and that I’m not the one God has for you. After all, as we’ve said countless times....WHERE ON EARTH are we going to find another Christian who also does NOT want kids? And on top of that, someone who has also saved themselves for marriage! Gosh, the thought of learning how to have sex with someone who has also never had sex is so precious to me. (It breaks my heart to think I might not ever have that.) And the things we value are similar. And we are on the same page about conflict resolution and communication. I feel safe when I’m with you and when I AM with you in person and in your arms, there’s no other place I’d rather be. I truly do think we both enjoy each other when we are in person. But when we are not in person, it truly feels like we aren’t together. When I’m with you, I want to be with you, but when I’m not with you, I could take it or leave it, and that I even have that thought at all makes me very sad. Because you deserve so much more than that! You deserve to have the woman of your dreams, Rob! I want that for you! I pray for that for you! You deserve to have a woman who makes you come alive, who makes you excited about life and love and whose presence in your life takes away all of your fears and worries. You deserve someone who feels like home to you and someone who you’re actually excited to build and share a life with who you feel called to lead and love as Christ loves the church. And I deserve a man who means it when he says he loves me and who will pursue me, cherish me, and be grateful for everything that God made me to be as a woman. I want to give everything I have and everything I am to the person who will love, cherish, and pursue me....the person God has for me. I don’t take that lightly.

I’m sure there’s more to say, but that’s all I can think of for now. Is this even worth a conversation? If you decide no, I completely understand and respect that. I want you to know I truly think the world of you. You are a good man who loves God, who works hard, has a beautiful, servant’s heart, are kind, considerate, and in many ways, selfless. You deserve a woman who you can fall in love with and are excited about. And honestly, I think I deserve a man who is excited about me too. I really want that. I’ve prayed that God would give you the woman of your dreams and give you peace and clarity that she’s the one when she comes into your life. If He ever reveals to you that I’m that woman, I welcome that. But I’m not going to place my hope in that outcome and I’m not going to hold my breath waiting. I’m also not going to go out and look for anyone else because I really don’t want to be with anyone else. I’m not sure where to go from here…

*Continued in the next entry