tuesday i went to the funeral service for my coworker's baby. I have never gone to any service like that for a child. adults are hard enough, but babies? kids? it's something I could have gone a lifetime without doing. the little pink casket, the pink and zebra flower arrangments, the letter my coworker and her boyfriend wrote to their baby... I cried the entire time. my coworker was stronger acting than I could have been. i kind of think she's numb at this point. her grandmother (my coworker also) cried more than she did, which hurt to see as well. They played Carrie Underwoods "I'll see you again" while my coworkers mom passed out flowers to the family. when she hugged her brother (the guy I use to have a thing with..the guy I could have so easily fallen for), she lost it and I looked at him and saw he was crying too. i started crying all over again. never in a million years did I think I'd see that man cry. ( and sadly, although I shouldnt be thinking this, it makes me miss him.) we all released balloons at the end. it was a nice service but very emotionally draining; i can only imagine how the family feels. on top of that, my coworkers cousin (who's kids i watched at daycare) foudn out she was pregnant but could possibly lose it. she foudn this out the day my coworker lost hers) A few months ago she had found out she was pregnant and lost it. So this 2nd time around is really bad. Also her husband, a few years ago, was addicted to pain meds and they went through a really rough time. Well lately she thinks he's back on them and he's telling her he doesn't want more kids and he doesn't want to be married. the day she told him the doc said she would probably lose this child, he told her he was going hunting and wasn't staying home for her. my heart just keeps breaking for all of them.
this past weekend my godchild (she's 14) and I went to a christian concert in Bossier City. 10 different artists including Skillet, who is one of our favorite bands. It was really really great. and emotional as well. Skillet has one song about a friend telling another friend they want to commit suicide and the friend telling them they werent alone and they will always be there for them. they were performing this song and the lead singer said "I know some of you have felt this way before, some of you may be feeling this way tonight, but know you're not alone. God is always there for you..someone will always care and love you"... and something in me told me, look at her. so i look over at her and she's standing there with her eyes closed bawling her eyes out. it broke my heart. I didnt know what to do. I didnt want to embarrass her, so after the song , I just hugged her tight and told her I loved her and it would all be ok. my heart felt so heavy. after the concert we had to sit in traffic so we were talking and she said "nanny, can i tell you something...and you promise you wont tell mama". I knew in my heart what it was. I just said "ok...does it have to do with that song?" she started crying and said yes. Then she pours out her heart...about feeling alone and how her mom doesn't seem to want to listen and how her daddy has called her stupid and how kids at school have picked on her and how she's the only one of her friends w/out a boyfriend. and how some days she's wished she hadn't woke up and how when she talks to her mom about stuff liek this her mom just threatens to lock her up in an institution. sigh. i love my SIL dearly, but teenage angst and drama is not her field of understanding. my godchild has talked to me about cutting before and it was another thing her mom threatened locking her up for. (i'm not sure my SIL woudl really do this, I think she's just saying that out of fear) I told my godchild before, there are somethings parents our age don't know how to handle. we didnt grow up in a generation where cutting and suicide and all the other things we have these days, were mainstream. yes i'm sure kids did it back then, but it wasn't on the news EVERYDAY, bullying wasn't on FB and Twitter back in the day as well as in school. Things are just so different this day and age than when we were teens. I think there are some things my generation, as parents, don't know how to handle or talk about. It scares us. We know nothing of it. I also think my SIL was a different kind of teen than her daughter is. My GC is attracted to the dark side of things...the poems of death and hard metal music and her drawings are all of crying girls and darkness.... I've been there. My poems back in the day were all the same...darkness and hurt and pain and hate and anger. My SIL dropped out of school at 16, married her husband at 17 and had a kid at 18. Her teenage years were so different, in my opinion. I dont think she quite gets what her child is talking about. not that I'm an expert, but i was that angry bitter child...I remember the feelings of not feeling wanted.
so i had a heart to heart with my godchild, all while crying my eyes out. i can't stand the fact that she doesn't see what i see. what other see. this gorgeous red haired, blue eyed, funny, not afraid to be herself, child. it breaks my heart knowing she hurts on a daily basis. part of me knows it's all part of being a teen. teenager-ism, is like a disease...eventually the fever breaks and you get over it. but i also know, when i was a teen, i didnt believe words like that. one little thing was the end of the world. teenagers cant see past the next two minutes of their life. but on the other hand, i'm not going to blow off my GC telling me she's thought about ending her life. idc if it's just her being dramatic and lieing...i'm not taking it lightly.
so i've prayed about it, thought about it, talked a little with my boss about it...and I'm going to sit and talk with my SIL about this. I don't want to abuse my GC's trust, but I cant keep this to myself. I"m hoping maybe, just maybe, my SIL will stop and think the next time GC wants to talk...take a step back and think maybe it's not just her being dramatic. I just can't have this on my heart and not say something....and God forbid if somethign were to happen...ugh. I can't.
i'm not sure how my SIL will react. she's my best friend and we've been close for 12yrs...but i know how she feels about someone knowing something about her child that she doesnt....she does NOT like it. i'm hoping she doesnt see it like that. i'm hoping she is thankful her daughter has someone to talk to, someone who she knows will give her good hearted Godly advice. someone they both can trust. God be with me on this one.
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