Plugging Away in 2019

The New Year’s cold continues- I’m not quite as caught in the vise grips of sinus pressure that I was earlier in the day. I’m hoping a good night’s sleep gets me turning in the right direction with this thing. One good thing that has come out of this job is that I’ve learned to suck it up. Being only approx 30 hrs a week and therefore classified part time, I get no sick days. And when I take a vacation it is unpaid- so the incentive is to show up for work every night. There is also no coverage if I don’t show- I work for a cleaning company and have one account I share with someone, and one that is just me. I have to be there no matter what- sickness, bad weather, you name it. I’ve just passed 4 1/2 years at this job, and other than my planned vacations, I have yet to miss a day for anything at the account I do alone- I’ve missed a few scattered days at the other places to see my niece and nephew perform at their school concerts- but that’s it. So, for someone with the spotty work record I’ve had in the past, and for someone who has battled with pretty serious depression and anxiety my whole life, I’m pleased with myself for showing the fortitude and stamina to show up day after day these past few years. It helps that I work mostly in isolation and the job is brain-dead easy. No stress, no pressure, no people to please. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword- I know the isolation and alone time sometimes contributes to my down moods and lack of motivation, and I know I’ve drifted further and further away from “life.” But this job has allowed me to get my feet back under me and be an actual functioning adult. I’m ready for whatever is next though. I need more than this. Trusting myself is a huge hurdle to overcome. I know I’m not the person I was in the past, but the shadow of past failures is always with me. Breakdowns and serious depressive episodes and hospitalizations. Abandoning jobs and abandoning friends. Being overwhelmed by the demons that have always resided in my brain. I’m walking the fine line between being safe and being permanently stuck. I’ve wasted the potential that was in me from a very young age, and I know I can’t dwell on that or pressure myself because of what I think “should have been”- that train came and went a long, long time ago and left me standing alongside empty tracks. I need to accept the Present Me and trust and believe that the past is just that- the past. I’m learning that overcoming myself is the monster in the closet for me- the boogeyman under the bed. Is it real or imagined ,and do I really need to worry if its going to jump out at me unsuspectedly? I’ve gotten good at plugging along, but I know there is more....

Last updated January 04, 2019