1-2-19
Pornography has gripped me for at least 18 years now. Unfortunately I have many memories of times porn has robbed me of opportunity. I remember telling my parents that I was going to stay home while they went to my favorite restaurant, all so I could have time to download pornography. I lost valuable time with my parents, just so I could watch some filth on a screen. As I grew older and got married, this addiction followed me into my married life. I would escape to the bathroom to get alone with my phone. One thing I noticed is that when I would re-emerge from the restroom, my mood would be terrible. It would put me into an irritable state. Looking at it, it seems so rational to stop if it messes up my moods, however I could not control myself. I needed it. I felt like I had to have it. It became part of me. We were in and out of church at the time and I knew it was wrong, however I kept it going. As soon as I was done looking at it, I was overcome with guilt, shame, and anger. I started feeling like my wife was distant. In reality I knew it was me. I confessed to my wife what I had been doing, I could tell he heart was broken. I can’t imagine the hurt that hit her, or the questions she must have had. Was I not enough? Why did he do this? Can I ever trust him again? Her trust in me was shattered. This was 8 years ago. I am still working to rebuild that trust.
Now I have embraced my calling. After years of being in and out of church, I have finally set roots. We became planted in a little church in a small farming community in California. This is a church I was very familiar with, as my wife had tried to get us to go in the past. Finally my wife started going and left me behind. “The girls and I are going to church. Would you like to go?” She would ask. “To that church? Nah, I’m good!” I would reply. I, for whatever reason, had something against that church. Eventually I felt left behind, so I decided to give it a shot. I went once and got nothing. Meh. I skipped a couple weeks and then went once more. This was August 20th, 2017. We sat a few rows back and I half heartedly payed attention. My wife asked me to let her out of the pew, so I stood to let her out. She stepped out and before I could sit down, my eyes met with the eyes of one of the church deacons. He motioned for me to come over to him. I obliged. We talked and he led me back to the Lord that day. It hasn’t been easy. I still struggle with certain things. I fight my fleshly desires daily I still struggle with some things, but I am human. That is the point of these writings. I will document and confess the issues I face as I work a full time job, raise two kids, and go to bible college.
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