2018 wasn’t a bad year. I accomplished many things. My daughter completely nailed her first year of primary school. I finished my first year of University - of which I was absolutely terrified of starting in 2017. I joined back up with the Muay Thai gym down the road. I made new friendships. I loved myself more.
Toward the end of the year, around second semester however, things changed. I felt more uneasy. I spent less time with my girl. Let’s call her, ‘Caz’. My Caz missed me so much because of how much I needed to be at uni. I tried to find time for myself too, but looking after me felt like neglect to her. My heart was torn… and I turned to food. It was small decisions like if I ate at a restaurant, ordering the deep-fried option as opposed to something healthier. Then, every study session needed food before/during/after. Then, as soon as exams came upon us, it was late night no-sleep-sweet-snacking for days. I didn’t realise I had a problem ‘til exams finished and I found myself reaching for food without thinking.
2018 I grew to love myself in the beginning. I was in a good place. Though, now… its harder. Especially with the weight gain. My family don’t understand. We weren’t taught to show emotion, express feelings - especially if/when we were hurt, angry or sad. So, though I am a grown woman… I still feel cut when I hear the jokes about having a heart-attack if we played a family game of touch on the beach. I posted to instagram celebrating my accomplishments and all I had done with my daughter… and was mocked for basically saying the “new year new me” quote.
I just don’t get the dynamics of that, you know?
But they are my family. And I love them regardless. I will love myself and love my daughter, best I can.
So 2019, are we gonna do this?
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