I'm filled with irritable pain and anger right now, the majority of such is due to the herniated disc in my back and the physical torture I experience in every moment of the day, which is worsened when I stand or walk. I feel like a complete slob. I can't be self sufficient in the sense that carrying my winter jacket around in a store is too heavy and causes pain. My jeans no longer fit - the ones I was proud to wear that were too loose and saggy when I first moved here now a year later are too snug and uncomfortable. All those nights of coming home from work and working out to shed the weight have been wiped out by this pain leading to anger.
I see a surgeon in two weeks - I have been approved for back surgery. Back surgery apparently runs in my family - my grandma, grandpa, mom, younger sister and younger brother have all had back surgery for pretty much the same condition.
I talked to my mom on the phone on my way home from work - she may be flying out here to take care of me during the recovery period. It's going to be a bitch having to climb the stairs to my townhome when I get home from the hospital. Once I make it to the bedroom, I will be stuck on the second floor as there is only one bathroom and I won't be going up and down stairs for some time.
I miss my mom. I miss my family. While Boyfriend tries to be there for me I feel a great distance between us right now. Right now, as of the past hour or so, we aren't really talking to each other. He came home from having a late lunch with his mom and he picked up his truck from the shop. I was on the phone with my mom when he came through the door and he didn't come over and kiss me like he sometimes does when I'm on the phone - which I'm rarely ever on the phone. I could tell something heavy was in the air between us. He could tell from my mood that I was in pain and grumpy. He sat in the single chair across from me and we didn't really talk. It was silent for awhile, but not one of those awkward or comfortable silences. I felt irritated and angry or impatient at the silence.
I asked him about how his lunch was with his mom and his simple response was, "Fine." Or something like that. Then he expanded a little on the slow service, etc. and then that was it. I asked him about his truck and was frustrated when he said "it's the same". I didn't know if he had anything fixed or what and he was being elusive. Basically, he didn't tell them to fix anything so it's still needing repairs. He stated I was drilling him about the truck, which I thought was shit because I was only trying to understand what he was saying.
He wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't make eye contact with me. He instead rubbed his eyes and stared straight ahead. It reminded me of when someone doesn't want to look you in the eye or deal with you. It reminded me of someone who doesn't deserve to be mentioned in one more diary entry of mine. Ever.
So something he said made me mad...I think it was him saying something about me drilling him...I forget exactly because that's how fucked up my mind is right now...and I needed to get away so I left him in the living room. I've been walking out on my anger or hurt feelings a lot lately - running from the problem whereas before I would get scared or quiet and say something about my feelings later. I'm not sure which emotion is worse - feeling scared to voice your feelings with someone because of experiences in past relationships, or not being afraid at all and instead filled with anger to the point of snapping or bolting altogether, ignoring each other even though you don't want to.
Am I playing one of those stupid, childish games? I find myself doing that and then I have to reel myself back in. I can't always make him be the one to come talk to me to make up. But there's this anger I can't let go of. Where the hell is this stubbornness coming from?
God, I never knew physical pain could be so fucking terrible. It changes my whole outlook on life and every day being. Before this all got to where it is now, I was happy and optimistic and all about working on myself and improving myself for the better. Then this situation occurred and got worse over these past few months and here I am.
I'm also pretty damn lonely. Boyfriend can't always be here for me, and my family and friends are over 2,000 miles away, so I feel the distance in moments like these. I felt it on day one as we drove my car across the United States, each mile sinking in that I am leaving my whole family and former life behind for love.
And it hasn't been perfect. I sure as hell ain't perfect, and neither is Boyfriend. We were in the beginning, see. But after a year in person I think we're pretty much past that whole honeymoon phase and all those unpleasant aspects of relationships float in. Not that there are so many, but you know...boredom and space and whatever the fuck else rears it's ugly head.
I want to put this laptop down and go grab him off his computer game upstairs and cuddle in bed but I feel weighed down here in the living room and those are just some words I typed.
Work has been crazy busy lately and hasn't slowed down for a month now. It's good I guess, but it's hard for me to walk around the office and I've been sitting in a lot of intense meetings lately where everyone interrupts each other, talks over one another and goes off in tangents so nothing ever gets resolved. I don't feel like we're making much progress and I keep getting more piled on my plate, which I don't mind but I'm told I should be turning things down because people need to do things on their own and I'm stretched too thin.
Alright, goddamnit. I got another urge to go upstairs and just apologize. I'm not sure for what, maybe just my anger, but I guess to start us talking again.
Maybe then I'll take a quick shower and try to relax in bed and read for awhile until my eyes get tired.
You know how old people are always so tired and cranky? It's my bet that it's due to pain. And they're pissed about it.
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