...a path of red alerts in ...a soft snow

....it's been on my mind since waking

early on a Sunday morning, I checked my email - something I do when I first wake (hoping for a touch from someone somewhere ....but the touch never comes...) Instead, I'm awakened by the results of a health screening. My health insurance gives a $500 credit if I participate in this at my company's expense ....so I did it.

Little red signs with "alert" and an exclamation point ....most everything is unhealthy ...BP 130/88 cholesteral 217 ....I'm sure they would like to medicate me for both...something I won't do. Apparently I have shrunk in height by an inch ...now I'm 5'3"...(the nurse said that's normal after 40)... So BMI 26 - another unhealthy little red mark ....very depressing news ...the only little green healthy sign was for my waist size - I guess the softness and curves are where I carry my unhealthy weight. Depressing news that maybe I didn't need to know.

So I wake and then stare out the window at the branches of a tree....I'm alone now ....maybe this is how it goes ....I hate that thought - it doesn't feel like me ....but it's what I've become and I have to let nature take it's course. It almost killed my yoga happiness ....I thought what's the point, I'm sinking ....but I showered and went to class - a hard one (the heat was not working in the studio so she pushed us hard and kept us moving to keep warm)....I felt the same wonderful high after class ....but then I wondered what to eat - I'm hungry - I love tasting food....but what I've been eating is wrong ....another window of happiness closes and I feel more isolated and alone ....all my own doing till I figure something out I guess it could be worse ...a cancer could be growing....tradgedy could strike ....but sometimes empty waiting feels just as painful ...this is what winter does to me