it was always me in 2018

2:34pm

I’m kinda failing at life right now… =\

I wish I was doing better. I wish there were some magical pill to take to make every thing feel the way it’s supposed to when you’re normal and happy. I’m sure that’s the same wish depressed people make every single day when they become aware of how truly depressed they are. Sometimes I also wish I weren’t so damn aware of it.

Things are pretty bad right now and it’s all over some thing so stupid that should not even matter. I don’t know how y’all go through this all the time. This is literally the only time I have ever felt this way and I don’t know if I can handle going through it again. It’s so different losing someone because it wasn’t working anymore and it’s the natural course of things to losing them because communication sucked and then having to see them all the damn time.

I knew his brother moving in was going to be rough, but I never expected it to be like this. I certainly didn’t think he’d be coming over every week or several times a month. And I sure as hell did not expect to see him with someone else. I mean, way to shove it in my face. The part that stings the most is the fact that about a month previous he was flirting with me and totally wanting to make out in my hallway. Was he already with her? He must have been talking to her at least. And it sucks because I for sure thought we were totally into each other and I couldn’t even get a second date. He’s already bringing her to family things and holidays? That freaken hurts my heart so much. Like what does she possibly have that I don’t? I mean, besides all the sex, obviously.

And he could have told me! There’s no way in hell I would have sent him any of those messages over Thanksgiving if I knew he was with someone else. Totally makes sense now the way he was responding to things. Telling me he was a sinner, and calling me out on stuff, and then not answering half the messages even though I thought we were having a conversation.

I desperately need to find a way to see them, and to even think about them together, without feeling sick to my stomach. Because right now it makes me so sick that I don’t even want to eat. That’s so stupid. I kinda hate myself for it. I hate myself for a lot of things these days.
Like I don’t trust my gut at all any more because I got it all so damn wrong. Here I thought I had some special feeling I was following or some stupid bullsh*t. Such an idiot. Ugh.

It’s pretty obvious that he never really wanted me. He had every opportunity to make it happen and clearly he has no problem making time for people or introducing them to family. It was just me that he didn’t want. That is so clear to me now. I was the one that wasn’t good enough. And yes, I understand it’s not all my fault. Just let me take the blame for now. It’s hard not to when that’s the only factor that’s changed. I’ll get over it eventually. At least I know he won’t bother me this year and I’ll finally have the time/space to heal and get over it. I’ve never had that before because there was always hope.

It’s been hours since I started this and I don’t know what to say anymore. This’ll get lost in the dark depths of the drafts folder if I don’t post. It’s probably enough feelings anyway.

rose.
10:18pm