Triggered... oh, wait, its kewl in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay

So I came here to type an entry about having some ptsd triggered by an amazing, realistic anime. Then I saw everyone else’s problems. Now mine seem a bit petty.

So I was abused.
Didnt feel like anyone was there for me.
Have trouble making connections.
Have trouble letting go of them.
Shit happens.

I have strange ways to cope.
Not sure if they are really healthy, but hey…
Whatever floats your boat right?
(I don’t have a fucking boat! Why do people keep saying that to me!?)

Taking pictures of my tears,
Looking at them trying to figure out what it was.
What did Jay see there that was so beautiful, so enticing. All I see is pain and weakness.
Maybe that’s what he likes so much.

He can have it.
Jay,
Take all my pain.
All my weakness.
Wish you were here.
I would call you and cry all my tears,
Throw my pain and weakness to you.
You will enjoy it far more than I.
And I’d get to see that smile.
Not sure why it makes everything feel better.
Some self esteem malfunction perhaps.
Doesn’t matter.
Just wish I could see it,
And cry at you.
And feel better.

And we’d laugh.
And somehow all the evil in the world would dissolve for just one more day.
Everyday I needed just one more day.

Seems you gave me a lot of days.
Yet I never stopped to recognize your generosity.
I wish I knew how to say…

Thank you.

Please dont go friend.

Maybe someday.
Until then,
Good night old friend.