I’m struggling right now. It’s about 4 am and I can’t sleep. At this very moment I can’t see through my tears to read the words I’ve typed. It’s been one month since I lost my dad. Most days are good. I know I’m a strong woman and I know I’m doing well but sometimes it just hits me so hard. Like everytime I watch a medical show, or hear about cancer affecting someone’s life, or see his handwriting, or just really think through the reality of it. He’s gone. I know he was struggling…so bad. And so exhausted from fighting. And I didn’t want him to suffer more but I still want him here. It was two years of treatments and heartbreak and grieving…but trying to be strong for him. I want him back. I love him so much. I love that he fought to live.
He didn’t want to die or give up. His body just couldn’t sustain him.
I want to tell him about the project we just started in the basement. I want to make him proud. I want to have a baby and I want my child to know his pap pap. I want to be irritated with him growing old and ornery.
I just am missing him so much right now. I thought maybe writing this out would stop my tears but it’s really not.
I hope I’ve made him proud. I hope I can continue to live my life in a way that would make him proud. I’m so sorry for any disappointment I ever caused. I wish I could have been perfect.
I can’t get over this whole wanting to have him proud of me. It’s been the thing that consumes me. I know in my head that he probably was. I know my mom, and friends, and everyone says he was but I just can’t stop thinking about it. Ugh and it’s so selfish of me to be consumed with that. But it’s something I can’t change now. And so I just hope it was enough.
And I hope he knew how much I loved him. And how much I appreciated everything he did for us. I’m sorrry I was an ass as a teen. I hope I made up for it as an adult. I’m sorry for needing help with that one big financial problem I had in my twenties. I hope that didn’t make you think less of me, dad.
Oh my God. Is that my problem? That issue? Is that what I’m hanging on to…knowing that had to disappoint him? I think it may be. I think it is. How do I let it go? It was a big debt that I crawled out of but needed help to admit it was a problem. Like…embarrassing but something so many people struggle with. But I know he was worried about it. I had so much trouble admitting it..I never did admit that it stemmed from depression. And I avoided talking about it and just hoped it would go away. Ugh.
Well, thanks for that impromptu therapy session. The crying has stopped, but I still miss him so much.
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