November 3 in Das Book

emphasized textIt’s 7:34 AM - the earliest I have been out of bed since I quit my job. I have been sleeping in until 8:30 or 9 every morning. Feels kind of yucky, but also kind of great. We live in a yurt, and it is cold in here in the morning, so why not stay in bed where it is warm?

I’m sitting next to the fire writing this, husband is still in bed. The cat is confused. Usually at this time she would be launching herself at our feet and faces in an effort to rouse us, or I would be up and ignoring her, circling the yurt getting my breakfast into my face and my body ready to face the day.

I’m trying to create structure in my life so I don’t slip all the way back into adolescent indolence. I am not the best at structure, though. We have an office for seeing clients on Sundays and Mondays. I have been seeing one of my clients outside of the office as well, as she is seeing me twice a week. So we do one day in the office and then later in the week we will go climb or hike together, wilderness therapy style. And then, there is all the rest of the time. The Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday, Friday, Saturday. (Yes, those are the days of the week, way to really spell them out for everyone!) Those days can really run away from me, though. Since I have all this time, now, I want to really luxuriate in it, so I’ve been cooking luscious meals and it seems like I’m constantly cleaning up from that. We’ve been driving west to look for mushrooms as the chanterelles are FINALLY popping. And that is important to me, to forage, it’s a way that I feel nourished and connected to the world, and yet the whole time there is this stupid little voice in the back of my head going, “Should be working right now… you aren’t making any money… don’t you think you ought to be doing some marketing right now…?”

Sometimes I feel like I am broken, because Monday through Friday, 8-5 feels so painful, soul-sucking, gut-wrenching to me that I would rather be kind of poor just so I don’t have an obligation to be somewhere at a certain time more days than not. I worry that I’m selfish, or spoiled. The vast majority of people in this country do that very thing that I find so distasteful. Have no choice in the matter, it seems. When I was in Japan, I loved my job. Teaching elementary students English through games, etc. was really fun for me, nourished my creative process, filled my people tank, definitely challenged me to grow. But it was literally the fact that I had to be somewhere every morning at 8AM that killed it for me. Shouldn’t I be able to suck it up and literally just be somewhere in exchange for a meaningful way to interact with the world in exchange for monetary sustenance??

I also feel like, just, the worst journal-er ever, as it has been so, so very long since I set my thoughts down in this way. Just rusty, I guess.

Last updated November 03, 2018