Corona lockdown in All Good Things

I know this is being a terrible struggle for so many people, but for me it’s mostly a relief. I can stop travelling, stop flying, stop living in hotels, stop working. All I have to do is stay safely at home - which is all I ever want to do, mostly.

Of course, though, this was the first year I actually had plans I looked forward to. I’d forgotten what it was like to look forward to anything, it’s been so long. Mostly all I ever feel is dread, even if it’s something I WANT to do. It started changing last year when I went to Vancouver. I went because I promised a friend, and I was terrified because it was a new country, all new things to stress about, but it turns out that Vancouver is the place I love more than anywhere else in the world and I was so excited in the days leading up to going. I kept trying to calm myself down, saying, “Don’t build it up so much in your head, it won’t be nearly as good as you’re hoping” - except then it was so much better and I fell in love.

And things started improving after that. I got into ice hockey, started watching live games every night of my two favourite NHL teams, discovering where in the world was the easiest time zone. In Singapore, I had to keep going to work in the middle of the game. In England, they’re between 1am and 4am, really terrible timing for a good night’s sleep. Dubai was the easiest, waking up around 5am and getting to watch the whole game before going to work.

I had a trip planned to New York in January. It was meant to be for something related to my old theatre world, an actor I knew was in something and wanted me to see him. As it turned out, he got injured and wasn’t even there, but it was wonderful (extra wonderful now) because the week I was going to see him turned out to be the same week that one of my favourite hockey teams was playing the Devils, Rangers and Islanders, so I got to see them three times in four days, got to see my favourite players live, and it was fantastic! Turns out I love hockey in the flesh even more than on tv.

And then, something I am so fucking grateful for now, I added a last-minute trip to Chicago to see my other favourite team. The weather was rotten in New York, constant rain, so I figured I wouldn’t be missing out on anything if I gave up two days to fly to Chicago and back, a deal that was sealed when I discovered I could get a seat directly behind the home team bench! It was meant to be. So I flew to Chicago, had a magical 18 hours there including icicles, falling snow, and my very favourite players just two feet away from me for three hours, and I’m so, so grateful I did that because I was meant to be in Chicago this week, watching four home games, and of course that’s not happening at all. I’m so glad I didn’t make myself wait. It’s gutting now, of course, to be missing out on all that, but at least I saw them. I saw my favourite player in person on the ice and he was everything I’d dreamed of and more.

I had a huge Canada trip planned for the summer. A plan to see my favourite singer perform live (I’ve never seen him, was meant to see him for the first time in London last week, the day the UK announced the lockdown), then explore Vancouver Island, Whistler, a lot more time in Vancouver itself, then a camping trip to the other most scenic places in the west. That’s not gonna happen now. Even if the world is open again by then, I won’t have the money.

But I’m grateful anyway. I’m okay, financially, for a few months at least. I have a beautiful home in a very beautiful place, and someone nice to share it with. I’m getting loads of writing done. I’m not having to fight my terror of flying constantly (I nearly crashed twice in planes this year alone, which really doesn’t help when you’re trying to convince yourself that a fear of flying is irrational). I get to sleep every night in my own bed, which is so horribly rare.

Plus, I’m pretty sure I already had the virus, about three weeks ago. I think I’d be a lot more scared if I hadn’t.

I really hope the world comes out of this a better, nicer, kinder place.

I hope capitalism does itself in. I hope taking care of people replaces money as the only thing that matters.

I have no idea what’s going to happen. But everything is okay for me and for those I love right at this moment. I know that could change without warning, but I’m ready for that. I’ve lived with constant anxiety for years. This doesn’t feel any different to the norm, for me.