Sick Love in The Life of a Broken Spirit

Why do I keep thinking of you? Both of you, although her I understand. She was perfection. She was an angel. But you? I don’t think it would be a far stretch to say you were my personalized version of Satan himself. So why you? Why do I still hope you find your way out? Why do I wish you’d never lost him? I suppose it is because I know what it did to you, but really, was anything different before? Or did he just help you hide it? That man absorbed so much toxicity from that family, and I wonder constantly if that’s what killed him. I’m glad I am where I am today. But when I wake up crying from a dream about my current fiance’s family taking my baby girl from me and screaming these reasons at me that didn’t make any sense, and I couldn’t respond because I’d never even IMAGINED that these people could do something so evil, it makes me want to find you. I want to come find you, and caress your face in my hand, tell you that I understand, and then knock every last tooth you have down your throat and watch you choke to death on them. It makes me want to scream so powerfully that from a world away, you hear it and it sparks a pain in you that only I, and any parent who has lost their child, have felt. A pain that you know NOTHING about, even though you should. I want you to feel it. I want you to cry for how badly you failed her. I want you to feel your soul ripped apart by the realization that you changed her life forever, she will NEVER have a mommy and daddy like most kids. She will feel everything you felt growing up. You put her in the situation you resented so much. I want you to feel that. I want your soul to ache constantly like a pulverized bone. I want your heart to feel empty. I want it to nag you day and night. I want you to feel what you’ve forced upon me. I want you to feel everything you put me through while we were together, and everything I’ve felt since. I really do wish that I could go back and change it. I don’t know why. When I finally left, I really thought it would be like the others. I loved them, too. So I thought that it would hurt for a while, then I would look at a picture of you one day and feel nothing. But that wasn’t the case. Every time I see your face, I catch fire. I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m lonely… It is so confusing. I know I’m angry at you. I know you hurt me. I know that some part of me hates some part of you, and has since long before we broke up. But what I don’t know is why I still get butterflies when I think of you. I would never take you back or forgive you. But I didn’t ever stop loving you, and that makes me so angry and I am so ashamed. You broke all three of us; me, her and yourself. I should hate you, those were the only 3 people I cared about. But I don’t. Why don’t I? I hate it so much. You broke everything. You hurt me so much. You hurt HER so much. And on top of it all, you literally don’t care at all. Why do I still love you? I was only 16. I’m 20 now. I haven’t seen you since I was 18. Why? Why do I love you so much? Why am I so terrified of it? Why can’t I let go and hate you? I’ve hated others for far less. Maybe it’s the toxicity. Maybe he just is too good for me. After all, this isn’t my nature. I learned to thrive on the anger and dysfuntion I grew up in, and our relationship translated that perfectly. Maybe I miss the “at home” feeling you gave me, even though home felt like firestorms and sonic disturbances. That’s what I knew. That’s what I loved. When I had the chance to feel a softer love, you and your family snatched it away from me. It killed me. It really did. My daughter is 3 1/2 months old, and because of what you did, I can’t get close to her. I love her, don’t get me wrong. She is my whole world and I would die for her. But I don’t feel what I felt the first time. Hope for a new me. Definitely not for a new us, obviously. I just feel obligation and pressure to succeed…
I just don’t understand. I wish I did, I wish I knew why after all you’ve taken from and hurt me, I still feel so… gentle towards you.