an open letter to my abusive ex in Diaries

2 years. 2 years of this. I can’t believe I put up with this for 2 years. You’ve done SO much damage to me. I get that you’re damaged yourself but why did you have to do it to me?Anyways. It’s sick and twisted that I love you. I ACCIDENTALLY hit you. I never meant it. I banged the bed and your thigh got in the way. Accident or not, I am deeply regretful I even raised anything at you. I have never been the type to get violent. I’m not an abuser. You are. You’re the one who left me countless times. You’re the one who messaged girls while we were together and behind my back. You’re the one who said “I don’t love you enough to have kids with you”. You’re the one who lied to me and said you got a girl pregnant and had to leave me only to be with someone else a month later. You’re the one to flirted and messaged girls while you claimed you loved me. You’re the one who choked me during sex when I didn’t ask for it. You’re the one who stuck fingers up the asshole when I didn’t ask for it. You’re the one who made me delete the males from my friends list because you were insecure. Sure I was insecure too but I never made you delete anyone. You did it on your own accord. You’re the abuser. You’re manipulative. You’re controlling. You took advantage of the many things I gave you. You’re the one who broke my heart. I gave you life, even though you took it from me. And I am done. And despite all that I said, you WON’T care. Do not come back. Please. I let go of my hopes and dreams bc I thought you were everything to me. You were my whole life. I planned everything around you after my graduation. And now that we’re over, I don’t know what to do. And I’m scared of being on my own after relying on you for so long. I hate that I love you. I love you so much. And a twisted part of me still wants you back and wants to wait for you but time will well. I wish you the best. But you’ll just be miserable. You’re never going to find someone as patient and accepting of your daughters and work-consumed as I was. Realize that. I didn’t deserve any of the treatment you’ve given me. All the abuse, emotional and mental. I think that’s why I reacted the way I did. It was a lapse in judgment but I was also angry at the way you’ve treated me and I’ve had enough. You always said you had no idea why I was with you because I’m too good for you and you are right. I don’t know either. But I thank you for giving me experience and trying to love me to the best of your ability. In my sick, twisted mind, you were a good person and in a way, and I think God or the Universe brought me to you because you needed to know what it felt like to be loved and cared for. Now that you do, you have your experience with me to compare it too. I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t the most perfect girlfriend either. I was horribly jealous and controlling and paranoid of me losing you. It should not be hard to guess why. I wish things ended up differently. I wish we both changed for the better for each other. It’s too late for all that now. I will pray for you. I wish you good things. Be good. I know you always said how hard it is for you to be happy, but try.