so. being ghosted on. Please read all the way to the end before commenting. and no advice. oh also this is vague and jumps around. long. *brief mention of sex, rape, holocaust* from sept. 17th in 2018

so this is from sept. 17th. which was almost a month ago. also btw yes i’ve talked to my psych. about it. before anyone says anything. so. ok:

‘ turns out. i don’t like being ghosted on. if i’ve ever done that to anyone i apologise. and if i ever do i apologise in advance. yeah um that’s. not ok w/ me. [former mentor. didn’t even tell me she was quitting. um. wow.].’

^former mentor being valerie.

‘ok. sorry to come off as a fragile sens. person w/ depression. and like. depth. and stuff. but well. i have depression. i’m sens. and i’m deep. no i. i don’t like being talked. around. when i’m. right here. i’m not so fragile that i can’t handle this except. well yeah now bc. this is situational depression. and. I was talked around. Respect me enough as a human to. not do that instead of. w/e this is. there’s not much i can do other then. feel and be hurt and breathe. eventually the cut of this will turn

into a scar but that. that’ll take time. < not literally. i haven’t done that in almost 5.5 yrs. in nov. it’ll be.’

^’that’ being cutting.

‘^on the above. so apparently. some time in...........um july well between july 1st and aug. like 13th. my former mentor quit. only. she didn’t actually tell me, personally, that. no there was no discussion. i got the news from my mom. and i have nothing against her telling my mom but she also should’ve told me.]. it’s ok that she told my mom. but. she & i’d gotten together most wks. for almost 3 yrs. so. ‘

and it’s not a matter of she [sorry. former mentor] didn’t have time to tell me. no that’s just something people say. No people make time and if they don’t then. it never really was. like they say if you love somethin. or whatever. and i didn’t think she would go about things in that way.

that’s the thing though. i keep making excuses cause. i don’t want the wall to come crumbling down. but no one said it had to be fast.

for once. this isn’t me thinking i’m the one who did something. I was part of it. i’m. my feelings and reactions are normal apparently. would i have done the same thing? quit seein someone and not told them directly. no. in fact i haven’t.

whatever the song’s about. the point remains the same and aretha’s right. everyone does need respect and we don’t always get it. unfortunately. i’m a lot better about then i used to be. while waiting for this cut to turn into a scar. all people can do is keep being who we are. [or not if it’s not working.]. which, is not that easy at times. We can analyse we can justify we can make excuses but it’s still going to be a broken lamp. it’s still going to be that change. ya know? [or maybe you don’t.......know.].

^’the song’ being ‘respect’, by aretha. it’s actually about cheating from what i’ve read. but anyway.

Part 2 Growing Up. Notify. Brief Mention of lack of sex* *

Growing up [yes here i go] there was a rule that. if either my sister or i went somewhere we let someone know. and i still employ [er employ? that the right word?] practice. that rule today. like to this day I. yeah. I had that rule back when I had my own apt. yeah i remember once when I had a guy over. well the next day he’d evidently left. but he didn’t leave a note. i’m not expectin details but something like ‘hey yeah i took off. thanks for last night’, or something. [not sex related.]. anyway and when i discovered he. hadn’t it felt terrible. like I i was a whore. like i was nothing. cause he didn’t. respect me enough to leave me a note. [we didn’t have sex btw.]. and that’s kindof how this feels. like after 3 yrs........i would’ve wanted. ya know a meeting where we’d all talk about it. [my mom, former mentor and i.].

and where was i? well. i wasn’t. i don’t think it’s got much to do w/ my fragility. or lack thereof. or something.

Part 3 Self Blame And Conscious Choices

I keep going back and thinking what more could i have done? sure i didn’t like the woman [former mentor] but i never. told her off either. [believe me i wish i had. but words scar. and so do actions.]. **self blame is a way of keeping in control. right? i’ve, done, something…wrong now i long for yesterday. in the words of the beatles. yesterday.

**no i’m asking. is it?

i think. she knew. She told someone she was quitting just. not me. the, you know. other person this impacts. and i never read/heard the words ‘i’ve been thinking about this for awhile now and it. won’t work’. so apparently i missed something. [well. clearly.]. >more on this coming up.

am i ok?...........i. i’m not sure.

sometimes. we don’t always get what’s owed us. and not just financially.

i just felt like i was kept under false pretenses. [not that there’s any other kind exactly. cause there’s not.]. don’t hand me the box only to take it away. that’s not cool. > well. not a literal box.

tea & sympathy please. [not literal tea btw.]. it’s a song. by janis ian.

excuse me did i do something wrong i get invited then ignored all night long. in the words of rent. yeah...........pretty much. right. now. oh. i get it.

They say if people want something to happen then they should, you know. activate that. yeah but. that doesn’t always apply. i keep thinking ‘oh my expectations are too high’. cause. i do have high ones. and i’m not quite used to the fact that i’m exactly where i should be.

^yes. i know i should get at my former mentor about this. but i won’t. before anyone says anything.

she should. explain and if she doesn’t...........would i be ok if she didn’t? eventually i’d accept it but it’d be sad. maybe. i’ll never get that. [well no not if i don’t ask. but even w/ that....]. it’s up to me to make peace w/ it when. ever i’m ready. am i? no. i’m not. it’s called a breakup bc it’s broken. [well. not literally that would be unusual me dating a business type. no i mean.]. it’s called quitting bc well. it ended it terminated it. you know. the emotions haven’t. it’s physics though. every reaction

Part 4 Deservance Fall Depression Time > to anyone who’s read thus far thank you. Brief mention of rape*

nobody deserves this. nobody deserves to be disrespected nobody deserves to be raped or. w/e. regardless of their creed or religion or backround. or. anything. the depression probably would’ve come on, er, worsened, anyway. i have SAD and it’s fall. but. maybe not for this reason

why am i still making time for her? [again. not literally.]. cause i’m in transistion mode and i’m used to pain. pain and i? we’re v. well acquainted. yes but. just bc it is doesn’t mean it should be. nicole kidman. australia. movie.

Part 5 Worst Part. Screws Fall Out Depression Mermaids. and Enter. Denial. Oweing Admittance.

Right now. the worst part of all of this is she chose to do what she did. i don’t believe she just forgot. no. She did this. intentionally. whether out of spite or not is another. matter a different. matter. but. yeah. so thanks for. not choosing me i guess i’m just second string. ok then that’s fine. She should’ve treated me equally and. she didn’t. wow that’s. but sometimes in life among families among people. that’s what happens. i remember in the george lopez show he said something about that. it shouldn’t. everyone should be treated equally and fairly

Regardless of skill or management level but. it does. that’s the way the world works. ya know? and. i don’t like injustice. but hey screws fall out all the time right? all. the. damn. time. and she’s the one who’s all ‘oh we should treat everyone equally and be kind’ i can’t say i believe her anymore or trust her. cause i don’t. so who’s got a screwdriver? not the drink.

practice what ya preach lady. woman up. be mature. cmon. which doesn’t have much to do w/ age even though. i’m a yr. older so it would stand to reason. [oh the same way i do?] no i know i b**** a lot. but ya know. i also re-focus. not like. always online. but. yeah. i do.

no like I have depression. it’s a real problem. it’s a real.......adult. mental health. issue. not even adult just yeah. mental health. situational or not. and i’m probably not going to stop talking about. nor should i.

^btw. she knew i had depression i’m pretty open about it.

screws fall out all the time. the world’s in a perfect place. yes exactly why the hell not. maybe. things are meant to break. and not just tech. literal things. like not just objects is what i’m saying. no plans are meant to fall through things are meant to stay broken. so. i’m

i’m fine. [are ya?] and enter. denial.

and sometimes. it’s just not worth it to fix them. i mean this literally as well like w/ comp. and such. comps. er. computers. am i ok w/ how she did this? No. I’m not. and an apology’s not going to do anything. all i’m looking for. is an admittance. like ‘yeah. i fed up.’. yes ok. then i can start to move on from this. like ‘yeah she admitted it.’. [she didn’t of course. if she had] - ‘and i can focus on other things’. yeah no. I find it hard to believe she’s that oblivious. that she doesn’t think she owes me anything. what do i owe her? well. not much

but hey. screws fall out all the time. that’s how the world is. the stonewall riots weren’t fair. or. the way some treat those who are different. or well the holocaust. or.........anything like that. the world either being. at large as in throughout history. and people’s own personal worlds. Birds for instance. maybe they don’t want, to fly south. but maybe they’re ‘well if i don’t then it’ll be worse’. [i don’t know this probably isn’t how it works in bird world. but people get my point. er i think.]. unless they already live there. in the south. in florida. and then they don’t have to do that. they’re not making the choice to do that. i wish i was still in florida. [well. not literally. entirely. no i mean.]. that. it hadn’t changed. or that i’d. been like. made aware of this. via. my former mentor. not quite sure which bothers me more........

^the stonewall riots btw. were in 1969 june. LGBTQ people were treated horribly. and. i won’t detail.

Part 6 Don’t You. Forget About Me. Calling Up. I Don’t Understand. And Her Maturity. Depression Again And Deservence. Church.

I didn’t hound her during. those wks. over the summer but yeah i got at her. like ‘hey yeah i’m here. so. come and get together’ and. nothing. i’d like to think i’m a fairly memorable person but. this and the situation and depression has me thinking otherwise.

don’t you. forget about me.

if she called me up and talked to me about this. No not right now i wouldn’t talk to her. waiting awhile’s a good plan. also like. pardon my vulgarity here but have the f* bs to also like. come and acknowledge me. i am not a scary woman. [no i’m a tiny sweet lady.]. i. i

I don’t understand. well it’s not my fault the behavior wasn’t mature. i’m not 2 yrs. old. i think i can handle it. [ok good so it’s not just me that feels that way.]. and ya know. i did send her reminders that we were still on. i did my part. the rest was up to her. i deserve better then that. and maybe i’ll get that w/ my potential new mentor person. whenever that is. but right now it’s just. waiting.

It’s funny how. some/a lot of people who go to church [some. not all] are all ‘oh we should spread the love and be respectful’ and yet those very same people are the ones who aren’t. [they’re right btw. regardless of churchgoers or not. they’re right.]. again. some. >she went to church is my point.

Part 7 [almost done for now] Things We Learn. Given Up On. Self Blame Ping Pong.
the things we learn ya know? [or maybe you don’t. .........know.]. what have I learned since I was 24? well a lot. no um.]. 1. compassion. 2. to keep my mouth shut when i’m put out. and 3. hopefully. not to ghost on anyone.

you’re right mrs. roberts. you are absolutely right. everyone is. a teacher. if we all just listen/ed. not one like and we don’t always get. ..........taught lessons we like but um. yeah. [mrs. roberts = doris roberts.]. yeah. i hear that.

*doris roberts. marie in ‘everybody loves raymond’.

i felt like i was given up on. er. feel like i have been. and she didn’t. even follow instructions. and not just mine. i........i would’ve wanted. to give up on her before. she gave up on me. of course I wanted to give up on her. of course I wanted to hurt her. i didn’t like her.

i haven’t done that i haven’t. given up on her. right yeah bc she’s........................no longer a part of my life. so I don’t really. have an accurate, ‘good enough’ reason to. and 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

alrite so maybe i did. I did give up on her when I stopped making an effort to make her. er i mean. to like her rather sorry. i stopped. er um. [wow this is going so well.]. no. when i stopped making an effort to like her. yes. there we go. thing is. regardless of who threw the first punch. as it were.........but i don’t um........damnit. i keep going back and forth between self blame and not. like yes no yes no yes.........no. ping pong ping pong ping...........pong.

yeahs sure it’s her loss. but it’s also mine. what’d i lose? f*** stability. yeah so. sorry that i have anxiety and everything has to be perfect. and it’s a compulsion. she didn’t know that. but even if she had. maybe. that wouldn’t’ve changed the outcome. and i i i can’t believe this happened. like no yeah this didn’t happen. of course not. no because on mon. she’s going to come and everything’s going to be the same as it was 2 months ago and. ok. no nothing changed at all. except that it did and i can’t deal w/ this too well right now.

I want to know she’s hurting. I want to know she’s an actual person. and i don’t know when i’ll stop feeling that. i want to know she cares. yeah. i do. I want to know this impacts her. no it’s not a breakup bc well. diff. kindof relationship. but. no she was a part of my life.

The thing I gotta ask myself is. am i happy? well i wasn’t when we were getting together and i’m not now. so............no. other then that things are great right? things are awesome. [no i’m being sincere. they actually are i’m not being an ass.]. what will help me become that way? that’s a. good question. that’s a. good, thought provoking deep question. good.........stuff.

and ya know. if people aren’t happy or content or w/e w/. where they’re at. in life then that’s ok. there’s nothing wrong w/ it exactly. it’s not my fave thing but. ok.

talk to me like a f**** adult. not like i’m some 2 yr. old kid who needs to be talked around and have stuff hidden from her. no like. respect me enough to talk to me like. like an equal ya know? ‘oh no she can’t handle it’. oh ok so i guess i’m just an object then. that’s. that’s great wow. really. awesome.

it would’ve felt. 9 if things had gone differently. [9 is the chinese number for completion btw.].

you know when something big and kindof awful happens and you have these amounts of time where it’s like. well f. i can’t believe that thing happened. and then you’re fine and then another ‘well f’ thing? and then fine and then. well anyway. so there. or it’s like there’s the escape it’s the vacation of sleep and then waking and...........oh. i. yeah that current event if is still. there. [divorce, getting fired, moving. what have you.]. either the depression or the situation or both. um.

i don’t understand.

every rose has its thorn.

i don’t understand. how can someone can go from being kind, thoughtful and. respectful and well.......too nice and really damn annoying to just. just. ghosting me that’s the part i don’t get. well obviously something changed. again. no i understand the concept. i didn’t expect this. at all. i always thought it would be my decision. no i never once thought it would be hers. that didn’t even occur to me.

hey remember me? the woman she dropped ghosted on without warning? no apparently not. used to be in my life what happened? no, really. what happened.

it’s like she treated me like glass only to f*** drop me. without any kindof warning just oh it’s gravity. no control over gravity at all. [well. to be literal about it. no. we/people don’t. have any control over gravity.]. But she had control over this. she. she did. over her decision. which is funny cause i’m the person who hates being treated like glass. when it comes to the small things. that’s exactly my point though. don’t treat someone like glass only. to have them abruptly shatter. but queens have their downfall though. we. we do.

yes. it was her decision. and she should’ve made more effort to........control......it better. cause there was more she could’ve done i don’t believe there wasn’t. how f* oblivious can somebody be.

yeah that’s the problem. is i thought i did. maybe. i didn’t know her. Most of the time. we don’t know others as well as we think we do. hell people are discovering new things about ourselves all the time. i certainly am. and there’s nothing wrong w/ that. i just never saw. this side of her. if i had would it have been as much of a surprise? well. maybe. but maybe not.

just a game broken. actually not. schizophrenic............well no.

i’m exactly where i should be w/ thinking she should’ve told me. they can’t fix me. [not regarding my sexuality. and well no as there’s nothing wrong w/ me to begin w/. no um.]. this is apparently what people w/o mental disorders expect of others. for once it’s not part of that.

more below: Universe Other Plans Not Right Or Fair

‘ After 4 wks. of not seeing her i’d textmail [text her from my email] her and tell her we were still on for mon. so that she’d know. And some point after that I was going to. Textmail her again and tell her if she wasn’t coming to let me know. And I mean me personally. That way I wasn’t telling her off. And going ‘well you did this’. And that was my indirect way I suppose. Of stating this isn’t right and it’s not fair to me. And you need to do better’. Cause no. it wasn’t right or fair or respectful of her to do that. But then. The universe had other plans.

^ on the above that last paragraph: i’m the kindof person where. If something does something I don’t like and they only do it once it’s not a big thing. But i’d gotten at her. well Wk. 1. and I hadn’t heard anything. So I gave her some time to get at me. I wasn’t hounding her but I was. Letting her know that ‘hey. I’m over here. So come........see me’. And she kept not getting at m e me. so. I got at her again. And again. And..........well after 4 wks. I stopped. For me 4 is the um. ‘cutoff’ as it were.

Had she, my mom and I all had a meeting then she would’ve had a chance to explain herself. And go something like ‘well i’ve had some time to think about this and I don’t think it’s going to work’. Yeah ok. And if she wanted my mom there for moral support then sure I can understand that. My other mentors did that and far as I know they’d never been mentors before. So I don’t think it has much to do w/ that. Really. I’d like to think that someone would respect me enough as human to not. Just ghost me like that.

wow. it again is like she’d never been a mentor before. well. And she hadn’t. But I don’t think it’s a mentor thing it’s a her thing. It’s how valerie personally is. or was.

^valerie = former mentor

if she’d explained things. It would’ve helped cause then I would’ve gotten the explanation she owes me. Which I might never get. And i’m not ok w/ that. [well not if I don’t ask. Also i’m not ready to right now.]. but. W ell that’s the only that would’ve changed. But idinno. It would’ve re-confirmed that. I. was apparently only an option. [again to her. to valerie. not not in general.].

^btw. yes i do know the details of why she mad thi made this decision. before anyone asks. and the reason is she has another job.

I don’t understand. [yes exactly and this is where asking comes in.]. I...........if I were an intimidating person which i’m not. Then sure that would make sense. I really don’t understand why she didn’t get at me. [other then the whole my not being much of a phone/email person thing.]. If I were hard to talk to. [which although i’ve not heard otherwise I don’t think I am.]. If I were...........you know this that or the other thing. I have my guesses.

^on the above: so last wk. I checked my email and. The last email i got from her wasjuly 1st. Saying she was cancelling the following day. And i didn’t get a text from her so.

I checked my email to re-confirm that she hadn’t. gotten at me about quitting. And she hadn’t. so.’

^btw. this was from almost a month ago so. my feelings on this some have changed.