2/9/18
I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I swallow them, bottle them up, keep them deep inside me. It’s just like filling a tank of water more and more, until the water overflows. That is when I cannot take it anymore, full meltdown. I hate to cry, I have learnt to cry silent (you don’t even know I’m in tears, the only thing that betrays me is the redness of my eyes). I know that it is okay to cry at times, but haven’t gotten to that idea yet.
I used to vent my anger and emotions and everything through martial arts. I guess that is a better way then self-destruction. Until recently, I tore my acl. Can’t do sports for a long time. I lost my only reliable source of outlet. Not just that, it was my source of pride, the only thing that meant a lot to me in bleak times. Without doing what I loved, I feel so vulnerable and weak. I want to kick and break things. I want to punch stuff. But I can’t . This emotions stuck in me is so painful to hold onto, I can’t ignore them. It’s hard to swallow them now, I just feel lost and numb.
I want to laugh, smile but I can’t find myself to do so.
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