Excitedly afraid... in 2018

Sept. 25th - 10:52pm

In my crazy world…

I’ve been really itching to talk to/see TF lately. Then a couple minutes ago I looked back on some entries from about two years ago [oh geez 🙄] and it was when we tried to go out for the first time. The one part that hit me was a text recap where he said that he had a crush on me so he’d make time for me. It seemed so damn sincere at the time. I couldn’t even read anything after that line in the entry tonight.

The only thing it did was remind me of all the hurt. The way I got so lost in it. The way I knew it was bs and some how still thought it was real.

Why the hell would I miss that?? Why am I talking about him two years later? In what freakin world does it make sense that I’d be itching to talk to him after all that?!?

sigh always a moron…

I’m not even going to finish this tonight. I’m tired and don’t want to deal. There’s more to add any way and I don’t have the concentration to do it now.

Till tomorrow…

Sept. 26th - 4:56pm

Well yeah, that happened. =\ It was Tuesday. I was totally tipsy. And of course I got all sad/emotional seeing that line in the old entry. I’m not sure why I continue to torture myself in that way. It was so long ago. What’s the point of reliving the hurt over and over?

I honestly wish I could forget most of that. I mean, I don’t know? I don’t want to get lost in thinking that it was all beautiful and amazing, but I don’t exactly want to relive the hurt all the time. It’s silly. Like yeah he hurt me because I thought it was real and it wasn’t. It’s over though. I can’t punish him for it and I can’t keep punishing myself either. It would be nice to see the lovely side of it and fully accept that it all happened the way that it did for a reason!

It’s not like I didn’t get anything out of it. I was such an insecure, shy little girl with self-esteem issues before he came around and started flirting with me. I almost never spoke with strangers. All I did was hide. And he totally gave me the confidence to change all that so it definitely wasn’t all for naught. That’s the part I want to accept and hold on to.

I obviously spend way too much time thinking about this, but I think the real issue here is that I’m afraid of falling back into it. Like if he smiles at me, or tries to touch my hand, or pushes all my freaken buttons in that lighthearted teasing manner I’m going to fall all over it again. Then of course I’ll get hurt all over again when I realize he’s only playing with me. That’s what I’m trying to avoid!

I’m afraid that his family moving into that house next door is going to spell disaster for me. We’ll be seeing each other in the outside world, which is something that hasn’t happened before. I’ll be interacting with all of his family too. I imagine we’re going to get along just fine considering I know most of them and have really good work relationships with them. If I get invited to a bbq I’m definitely going!

It’s hard to know what we’ll be like around each other on the outside like that. He’s not going to flirt with me in front of his family is he? [ If he does, I’m certainly not going to hold back from giving him a taste of his own medicine. I’m an excellent flirt! =P ] How will I keep myself from stealing glances at him across the room? Maybe he’ll have a new gf and I won’t have to worry about any of it?

Speaking of: last week [the 21st I think] I was scrolling through fb and his ugly mug popped up as part of a birthday post A made for their brother’s birthday. [Not gonna lie - I “liked” it & thought maybe he’d see my name pop up since he’s tagged..didn’t go so far as to like the actual picture though…] Not sure why he always gets tagged in everyone else’s posts, but whatever. There it was and we all know the problem is that he didn’t look ugly at all. I don’t know how old the picture actually is, or if it was just the angle, or what, but his face looked really trim. I realized the last time I saw him was probably April? and he was chubby then.

Since no one’s going to read this I’ll admit that I had a moment where I thought about how the last time he got all fit was right before we went out on our date. I assume a lot of that was because he thought I was going to see him naked. hahaha. No.
But that lead to all the thoughts about how maybe he has found someone new and that’s why he’s getting all skinny/fit again. Trying to impress a new girl… =(

Whatever though. After my quick bout with jealousy ended all I could think about was how I still find him attractive and that lead to more of the “oh God, please don’t let me fall for him again!”

Yesterday my aunt decided to take us out to the coast for a fancy dinner she owed my mom for her birthday. As I was getting ready I decided to wear my boots and since I’d been freezing all morning I looked for a thicker pair of socks than the ones I’d worn to my scans. My thickest, most comfy, pair happen to be the ones that TF bought me with the fox because they’re made for men. haha. So I put those on.

Then on the way there I got a call from my aunt that we were going to a certain restaurant and the name happens to have TF’s name in it. And that spiraled into a list of coincidentally named pop ups. The bridge we tried to go take a picture of that we’d confused with a more famous bridge. The episode of a crime show I tried to watch after we got home. The ads from a movie I follow on my fb. Etc. Etc. By the end of the night I’d made comment to mom that I must have summoned it all up from the depths of somewhere by wearing those damn socks. ugh. Too many reminders for one day.

I was supposed to see his brother today too but he didn’t show up, even after a reminder this morning. Not surprised. Bunch of spacey lost boys. Also a stupid truck that looked just like his old one whipped around in the parking lot and was sitting in front of my window for like 10 minutes before the guy got out from behind the tinted windows. Of course I couldn’t settle down until I knew for sure it wasn’t him.

I’m a real mess, aren’t I?

At least I never got into my whole spiel about how I was secretly, actually, maybe, kind of, a little excited for those new people to move in next door. With the hope that he’ll need his entire family’s help to do that 😏

It’s late now. I’ve watched movies and am ready for bed. Lucky for you that means no more words need to be added.

rose.
10:59pm