I’m really trying to change the unhealthy thinking patterns which make my life really hard sometimes. It is the fear of change, you know. The self hatred and rage is so familiar that you really don’t want to let go. On the other hand, it’s coming unbearable to sometimes trying to regulate my feelings that I need to start appreciate myself.
I don’t know which is worst, the guilt or the anger. I get these huge bursts of rage sometimes. And it’s scary because sometimes no matter what I can’t calm down. I’m yelling, throwing things and hurting myself. After that I just start to cry. And it doesn’t end. I can cry for hours.
The other thing is guilt, constant guilt. And it’s even worse when you feel guilt about your feelings. It’s endless circle that never ends. Well, guilt is one common symptom of depression. And I think that one problem with me is that I’m always like “oh, I have a depression, that’s how it is”. I let the term depression to control me and when I think I’m depressed, I will be more depressed.
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