my emotions are so hard to understand right now!!!
Im so disappointed and I cant tell if im disappointed more in myself or the situation
I have barely any friends
I have no group and nobody here to make plans with
I got rejected from the one thing I wanted badly and
school is going OK but it is hard
My roomie doesn’t wanna do anything ever and she is never here and when she is here boyfriend is always in our room with her
Im super sad to be here alone with no friends and no plans all the time
Im trying wicked hard to be outgoing and friendly to everybody but so often it just feels like nobody else is looking for a friend to hang out with the same way I am
I have acquaintances and ‘friends’ but nobody to do anything with and that is what is so hard
I am trying so hard and doing all I can do but I still have nobody here
Its so hard cause I have the option to go home for weekends but I know I should stay but I get so sad when I stay because its just a reminder of how upsetting and saddening it is for me to be here all alone with nobody and nothing keeping me here
Im trying to focus on the good but its hard when your “good” is just finding at least one person to eat dinner with so that you don’t skip dinner again in fear of eating alone
Im a constant wreck of just finding out what can I do to make time go faster so that I don’t have to feel this way anymore
The one thing getting me through every day is knowing I can go home at the end of the week
I love going home because every day im at school I think about how much I miss home, and how much I miss my family
Its hard because I am literally doing everything in my power to control the situation and make the best of what I have, and I know I am lucky to even have this opportunity, but I didn’t expect it to be this hard
People always said that I would have no trouble making friends in college, but as far as I can tell, im the only one of my home friends that doesn’t have a college friend group yet
I initially made a group and we all got along really well and we did so much together which made life here so much easier and it flowed so much better but all of the sudden they started distancing from me and now that they have decided i’m not worthy of their friendship, none of them will even look my way if we see each other in the halls
I feel like I steer people away because meeting new people makes me anxious and sometimes my anxiety can come across annoying when I dont even realize
Another thing is, even though I love going home it comes with this unconscious guilt set inside myself because I know that I should be staying at school but I can only take so much and it is beyond upsetting and anxiety inducing to have to stay in a place where nobody wants you and you do not fit in anywhere
When I went home last weekend I had to lie to extended family and friends about having come home often because I was too embarrassed to tell them I have been home a lot
These meds (prescribed anxiety and ADHD meds, new diagnoses as of recently, another factor of my struggles as a new college student) have helped me so much but at the same time there are things that medication simply cant help
I wish that there was some amount of anything I could be doing to make sure that I get friends here because at this point ill do anything
I want so badly to feel at home here, to feel like I belong here, to have people I miss when I go home, but it just isn’t happening for me right now and its an awful feeling, its like I had this whole idea of a perfect college experience in my head and not one single part of it has come true
Im doing all that I can and its just not working
Im not sure how much longer I can keep on putting every single thing I have into my schoolwork to keep me distracted before I break into a million frail little pieces
I know I am strong but this is one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with
So much is going on and I just have so many different emotions its hard to tell what I even am really feeling
as for this weekend, I feel like I SHOULD stay but I just don’t want to be here for 3 days sitting in my room alone as a constant reminder that I have nobody here… at the same time I feel so ashamed to come home because even though my parents say that the option is open either way and that they support my decision either way, they really want me to stay and no matter what they tell me, a little tiny part of them is going to be disappointed that I didn’t stick it out and stay at school this time
At the same time, maybe since Columbus Day is coming up, I can just suck it up for now to show them how brave I am and to prove to myself that I CAN do it, and then coming home the next weekend will feel really good, like I earned it
at this point, I really don’t know what to do or what to feel
when I keep myself distracted with class, homework, meetings, and clubs I can find myself super happy but the second I slow down and remember everything else going on I just find myself super bummed out about the situation at hand
I know I am strong and I have gotten through a lot of other super tough situations before, I just don’t know how strong I am to handle this one…honestly I just want to go home
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