But he’s an alcoholic... in This Too Shall Pass (or Maybe Not)

Okay, here goes. Do you know that nagging, awful, fluttery feeling when you can’t quite get settled? Imagine that for 6 straight months. I don’t know if I’ll ever be at ease again. My chest feels full of butterflies and I can’t quite get my breath to move in and out of my chest. I’m done. This needs to stop.

I received a phone call in February from our county jail. My husband had received an OWI after driving his car into a ditch. At 1:30 in the afternoon. Who the hell does that while they are supposed to be at work? I couldn’t believe it.

This is not the first time it has happened. I gave him an ultimatum four years ago when he put my son at risk that he go to rehab. He did so willingly, but I made it clear that if one more drop were to pass his lips, we would be done. So much for that.

Maybe it was my fault. I had my suspicions that he was drinking again. Why didn’t I just confront him. Maybe I was looking to sabotage our marriage anyway. In my heart of hearts I don’t really know. When did I stop feeling love? I’m now a cold, shell of a person. I’m bitter and unfeeling towards everything. A massive bitch when anyone turns my way. I hate it.

Maybe it’s just his disease. Alcoholism is a disease. I learned that going to Hazelden/Betty Ford family program myself. Forgive him. He can’t help it. Support and love him. Give him what he needs.

What about what I need? Does that ever come into play? Apparently not. I’ve given up the last decade making excuses for him, covering for him, excusing him when things go awry, stroking his ego, and so much more. It’s been such a one sided relationship I feel like I’ve lost myself. I can’t even find the trail to get back to her. She might be gone forever.

I need me.

Last updated September 19, 2018