I’m not mentally ill. I’m unique and that makes it easy to be alone in the world. That’s okay. Societal expectations may not be suitable to my human needs and non-sequential developmental stages, but that doesn’t mean I’m less of a person. I just don’t quite fit in. I was born timid. My cat probably traumatized me from a young age. It’s not “normal” to be scared of cats until age 12. I was scared to ask questions. I’ve struggled with my emotions for my entire life. When I first started school, I was always everyone’s “other” friend. Never the best friend, but I didn’t mind. I was just fine in isolation. However, when I felt, I felt A LOT. I remember when I got my card flipped from green to yellow in school for the first time, I cried because I felt like in that moment, I was being rejected by my teacher, one of my favorite people in the whole world, because I had disappointed her. That feeling was very intense and new and I never learned how to cope with it. In elementary school, I started taking vitamins that my parents said would make me less emotional. From then on, every meltdown I had and every fight I had with my parents or my siblings was because I was emotional and needed to take more of my vitamins. That word - emotional - and the idea that there was something wrong with me, was terrifying and didn’t feel right. I had to hide it, even from myself. I stopped thinking about my feelings. I stopped letting mysef feel. It got worse and harder to hide. There was always thoughts festering in the back of my mind. I took those vitamins until high school. The summer after tenth grade was when the dark thoughts lingering in the back of my mind became conscious again. It was almost explosive.
Who wouldn’t become anxious and depressed in my shoes? With my genetics? With my background? With the influences in my life? I’m not less of a person. I’m not any less capable of handling life. Societal expectations are irrelevant. All I can do is continue to be my best person and learn from my mistakes and deal with the consequences and try to be better all the time. I have to do my best to make my own world a good one for myself to live in.
flower in a sidewalk crack
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