why am i a bad driver? because i started so late, and i hate driving, probably. i like the seclusion and being able to listen to music really loud. i get embarrassed by the looks in the parking lot, because i am supposed to be an adult or whatever. but sometimes when i get in my car after work, i just wanna listen to joy division really loud in a defiant way, windows down. then i’ll pass by a 50-something co-worker who looks at me like “YOUTHS!” - irritation, confusion on their face.
when this happens, i feel slightly embarrassed and panic, reaching for the dial, trying to reign myself in.
I’m thinking ‘oh wow i look stupid, i cant compete with these real people, these working professionals with real lives, i must control myself and keep some face of dignity, dear god…‘
i scowl and sweep my hair behind my ear.
then i kind of get to the space where i realize that my reaction to their reaction is stupid, and this is exactly why i feel the need to listen to late 70s post punk so fucking loud the second i am in a space that i can be by myself.
i feel such a distance between myself and most of the people that work in my office. they just seem so ‘other’. they are like the real people, and i’m just pretending to be a person.
40 hours a week, i am pretending to be someone that is:
-more sensitive to others (i sense and respond to your feelings with my deep emotional intelligence), yet less sensitive to others (of course i didnt take the shitty thing you said personally)
-not constantly fighting the urge to call someone a fucking moron
-not constantly repressing upset/disturbed feelings about our geo-political situation
-respectful of the rampant anti-intellectualism and all of our dumbass business culture trainings
-enthused and motivated about selling things and understanding purchasing habits
-really into hobbies that might be normal or just like, not the things i actually like (my cats, philosophy, watching 1980s music videos, riding unicorns, gin, escaping reality)
-wanting to totally get married and pop out dem kids soon (cause apparently im old enough now that i cant sell my eggs so i better get crackin)
-a team player; likes team work (i do actually, if I get to make all the decisions, and can select the team)
-enjoying a good work/life balance
i wish i had made myself do something more demanding, or had skills beyond critical thinking and writing (not that you would know from this) and ‘being a millennial’ - meaning i can help old people with their computer ‘problems’, like making their extended display not 2-1 backwards.
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