My boyfriend’s name is Zeihl. He lives in another country, Canada, and is 32 years old. I live in the United States of America. We met over the internet, on a horrible chat site I will call the Cesspool. That place is truly a cesspool of humanity, but it’s a slice of humanity nevertheless. We couldn’t help but fall in love. From the moment I was born, I could hear that somewhere, something is calling for me. It was Zeihl, all along. I know for a fact that there is such a thing as magic. It’s called true love. True love actually IS something that can help heal your mind, soul, and heart. I went to the Cesspool knowing that there were pieces of me inside of my brain with haunting, burning questions that I was searching for the answers for. I’m not quite sure how after twenty four years I’ve finally traveled far enough in my mental health journey and my spiritual journey, which somehow really is blurred together and hand in hand. A kind old woman once told me to look towards God, not just doctors. That’s something else I wanted to believe but just could not embrace. It’s something that magically turned out to be true for me.
I finally found the key to happiness for me. I have evolved as a person, and I’m in the process of starting my brand new life. I finally have allowed myself to make Connections without running away from Fear of Abandonment… I even learned how to Connect with my own self. I am so thankful for everyone who has really helped me in a positive way in my journey. My True Friends, my real family, and my good acquaintances, even. Thank you, all of you.
I used to be too chopped up inside and too full of shame and self-judgment that I could never keep an honest journal. I would try to explain myself within my own notebooks as if I was trying to explain myself to the outer world. I’m so over that. I’m done with being ashamed of myself, hating myself, and wanting to kill off myself. I finally succeeded in making myself into a person I love. I am finally proud of my life, my journeys, and my battles. I finally see my own self and my own story, and I love it even though it’s weird. ^__^ It’s my story, all mine, and genuine. What can mean more than that? I am finally not so full of shame or fear anymore. At least, not in the same way, at all. <3 I finally completely love my friends, my family, my boyfriend, and life. I’ve always had this persistent, throbbing, aching sensation: I don’t belong here, I don’t belong in this world. I felt so, so homesick and I was quite convinced that the place that I was homesick for didn’t even exist. I had this feeling that, if anything, eventually I would move far away from this town that never loved me. I was half correct. I was miserable and suffering and loveless. Yeah, I really didn’t belong in that “world.” Even if I couldn’t know it or feel it or truly predict it, I was destined for greater things, a world of Light and a Life of Love. I finally broke out of my circle of sin! Sure, it was in such an unconventional way, and my story is one that many people may not understand. I lived my life the way I did to survive and to cope with extreme unbearable mental pain. life, to me, is like a fairy tale, I will always believe in magic, and will always view the Internet as the Dreamlands In The Outer World (real life outside of my mind.) My name is Sapphie. I’m 24 years old, and my birthday is February 8th. I have a five year old daughter, and her birthday is August 12th, 2013. We have lived here in this valley our entire lives. I have mental disorders that make living life easily a struggle. I have bipolar disorder, PTSD… and Borderline Personality Disorder… But… I have some subdisorder of dissociative peresonality disorder too, and this is the one that has caused me the most grief and heart ache through out my life. I have always been aware of the “other people” inside of my brain, but I never understood what they ACTUALLY were until very recently. I called them my Fragments, and they are very real to me. Although I know that they are still parts of me, they really do FEEL so separate from myself. They have their own thoughts, opinions, feelings, and even their own first loves. They each have their own names and their own faces. Re, Ra, Cori, Lance. I’m Sapphie. I have a real name too, but Sapphie is me and I am Sapphie now. To be honest I don’t think I’m the original personality. I think Sapphie truly came into existence at the beginning of this year. Before that, I could never feel the emotion of “happiness.” Not truly, not completely, ever, in my whole entire life. Even if I was smiling, joking, and laughing, at every moment even when I was little, deep inside a part of me was screaming, crying, and suffering… And begging so hard for help. I needed to help the one trapped in misery. i don’t mind anymore that I’m not the person who was once a baby with another name. because all Her Fragments put me together and raised me with all they had learned, and everything they realized they value through out our 24 years of life… I was made to make this body, brain, and soul- me- I was made to make it possible for me to feel love, happiness, hope, and courage. A part of still can’t believe it, but I did it… I unlocked all those things and even helped me actually heal a bit. my other personalities, Re, Ra, and Cori have merged with me, Sapphie, the dominant and true personality. These three have always existed my entire life, and I thought they would always exist as they were… But nope, they did it, they took their Day of Flight… their sorrowful questions were finally answered… they were able to relax and trust me and everything I’m about and all the loved ones I chose… and go to sleep, and sink into me, to be a real part of me. I love them and will never, ever be able to forget them and everything they helped me through, remember that they helped save me and I saved them. I love my Friends so very, very much- be them my Fragments which are my friends born from my Dreams, “real life” friends, or Internet friends. They are all so important to me, and so special. I wouldn’t be exactly who I am without each and every one of them. My friends are like family to me, the kind of loving, supporting, and respectful family I never got to have.
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