This is going to be a heavy first entry if I even post it. I have known about prosebox for years because of my husband. I’ve wanted to join for a while now and I’m not sure why today became the day, but here I am.
… and then the cursor blinks at me. Trust me it’s not writer’s block it’s the opposite. There is so much -I don’t even know what- stress, sadness, anger, frustration, bullshit crammed inside my head that it’s doing the comedy shtick of too many people trying to fit through a door and no one is backing down. I don’t know where to begin. My mind is so all over the place. “What do you want to do with your life? Why can’t you get your shit together? Why do you have to be so afraid all the time? Do you have to do that now? Put that down. Just go to bed. Say please. Just go ask. Why can’t you just grow up, you’re nearly 40 and your husband’s patience is not infinite.” That last one may have thrown you, maybe not.
I am disappointed in myself. I’m ashamed. I want so much more for myself, to be so much more. It’s not society driven, it’s not because I feel inferior to so-and-so (although I often do). It’s because I look around and see others and want what I see in them. I’m not jealous. It’s more like I’m shopping. But instead of things like jewelry, (which I’m not very into) make-up (which I’m not very good at) or clothes (which I like but never feel confident in), I’m shopping for traits, social skills and behaviors that I would like to possess. I feel so unfinished. I Know people will say just be happy with who you are. Well, is a person with schizophrenia happy with themselves? This is not a judgement on people with schizophrenia. I don’t know anyone personally with it but I hope I am not out of line imagining that it is a difficult thing to live with and a person with this disorder would not wish it upon another. I don’t have anything nearly as challenging as that to overcome in my life but I do feel like I have some kind of mental disorder that has yet to be named. Or maybe is has but I haven’t been introduced to it. I have been diagnosed with ADD, depression, anxiety, OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder, Which is different from OCD). But even with all these I still feel like there’s something else wrong that isn’t attributed to any of the the before mentioned issues. Or maybe those diagnosis feel so vague that I don’t know what to do with them. What do people with ADD do? Often they take medication. Depression? Medication. Anxiety? Meds. OCPD? Dunno, Meds, therapy? ADD, depression, and anxiety are all also treated with therapy. Well guess what? I’m doing both and I don’t feel any closer to a solution.
You know that saying- “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.” Well what happens when you are the horse and you still won’t drink? Then there’s the runner that has hit the wall, or the person trying to lose weight that has hit a plateau. I have hit that wall and that plateau. My meds and therapy have gotten me here but something within me has to fundamentally change, or something has to give before I can make real steps forward.
I tell myself that it is fear that is holding you back or indecision, or insecurity or what ever you like. While those things do hold me back but knowing what is holding me back hasn’t seemed to help. I guess it all boils down to is that I know I’m not happy and I know (or at least have steps to take) what I need to do to change that. But I let me tell myself that what I need to do is hard. That Life is hard. How do I get myself to do it anyway? How do I get this damn horse to drink?
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