your ghost still haunts me in 2018

10:43pm

I definitely overbooked my Saturday, but I managed to work my schedule around everyone and it all turned out fine. I don’t usually have problems like this. I’m not really that in demand on a normal basis but apparently every one else needed me on this one particular Saturday. hah. Whatever. It’s nice to be wanted/needed??

I’m not exactly in the mood to write but I keep putting these things off and they never get written [like the comedy show entry that has been sitting there for almost two weeks…] so I’ll start typing and see where it leads. I can always edit to add more thoughts later or type up another entry.

The day started with the client. Well, I convinced him not to pick me up until 11:15a, instead of the 10:45a he suggested. haha. We were trying to make a 12:30p movie about an hour away and definitely did not need that much extra time.

I think the reason I’ve been procrastinating so hard on these entries is because of how I feel about him. I’m constantly making a ton of comparisons and I know that I shouldn’t. I can’t seem to think of anything else to write and it has made me realize so many things. Like honestly, without even really getting into it yet, I don’t think I’m far enough removed from TF to be doing this whole thing with the client right now. I definitely should not be making any sort of comparisons. They are two very different people, but because I’m still staring at that closed door I can’t help it. I like to think I’m all healed and fine on a daily basis but I’m really not. I hate that. It makes me feel weak, and ashamed, and pitiful. [Another reason I’ve avoided these entries..] I gave the client this chance today, but now I think I need to rein it in and work through my own sh*t. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to me either. And I feel like I’m putting so many negatives onto him simply because I haven’t let go of my past. That’s a terrible thing to do to someone that wasn’t even involved.

I’ve really enjoyed having him around. I’m so grateful to have him as a friend! I thought having him was better than sitting around on my own, but now I’m thinking I need that alone time to fully heal and move forward. No distractions. Feel it all and get over it.

Mom and I have been joking about how I need to write a letter to Delilah [the radio talk show host] so she can give me her opinion on the situation I’m in. We were talking about it a couple days ago and I acknowledged that I probably already know what she’ll say [Move the hell on! If he wanted you, he would come and get you. He’s just not that into you. You’re only hurting yourself. Etc. and so forth] and when I think about that advice I immediately want to defend him. Which is the stupidest thing in the world. All those things are true. He knows where to find me. I reached out and he blew me off. I’m an idiot.
Oh but the look in his eyes was real. The desire. The connection. That part of his soul he tries so damn hard to hide but I saw anyway....

That’s what I think about when I’m in the truck with the client. The way that I’ve walked around with him a handful of times and not once bumped into him, but I suspiciously could not walk straight around TF and had to touch him. The way I pushed so hard for a “friend” thing with tf and yet made my hand available for him to hold. Whereas I’m constantly sitting/standing with my arms crossed around the client.

He just doesn’t make me feel good about myself at all. It all finally clicked for me in the last couple of days when I realized that I’ve lost so much of my confidence. Two years ago, when tf was flirting with me, I thought I was the sexiest freaken woman on the planet! He wasn’t even doing anything. Like just making jokes or whatever. But something about the way he looked at me and acted. I’ve never felt better about myself in my entire life.

I’ll admit that the client is definitely not flirting with me in such an overt way, but he’s for sure interested. It doesn’t matter though. It’s making no difference to me. I feel so bad about myself lately. To the point where I’ve cut back on drinking/eating and I’m trying to lose weight. I’d say I’m no more than 5lbs over what I was two years ago [if that!] but I feel like the biggest cow on the planet. I look in the mirror and I see this chubby face that can’t fit in her clothes. It’s gross. And I totally get that this doesn’t all have to do with a man, but it’s still a difference you know?

I’m totally not talking about anything that has to do with today. haha. But this is all the stuff that has needed to come out and I’ve haven’t been able to put into words. It’s just such a shocking difference to me. That I was all whatever and easy going about tf, but damn I must have had the biggest crush on him in the world! I’ve never let my guard down so easily with a man. I’m honestly not sure I will again.

I kinda hate that I wasted all that on the wrong man. What the hell was it about him? I waited so long and then I felt it all for the wrong person. What kind of messed up sh*t is that? It breaks my heart every time.

Anyway, I obviously poured too many senseless words out and now I’m too tired to talk about anything else. I’ll get around to the rest eventually.

rose.
11:18pm