Glad it’s Friday. I worked 6-230 then picked up my friend Leesa downtown lansing at LCC and we went to Alano East (AE) club there. I actually really like that place-I had been to a few AA meetings there years ago. It’s kind of like a clubhouse-definitely more of a variety of people than what go to the St. Johns meetings. They tend to be a lot of the same people all the time, with those that get in trouble thrown in.
There wasn’t a lot of people at the 330 meeting but it was still pretty good. As I was sitting there listening to people talk honestly about themselves, I was thinking to myself that I need to start going to the east club more often, like at least a coupletimesa week-maybe meet a few friends that I can actually do stuff with.
I’m to the point now-or maybe I could say I have been to this point for years, where I kind of isolate myself because of the drinking. Most of my drinking is done home alone by myself-fun huh? The friends I do have tend to be losers like me-or worse. For some reason most of my life that has been the case. I think it started out with me hanging out at the Braley’s so much when I was a kid. During a lot of my teenage years I lived with my dad & stepmom out in the country in Michigan. I started smoking regularly at about 13, and I would hangout there practically daily sometimes. They lived about 1/2 mile from our house and I would either walk over there or ride my bike, summer or winter, before I started driving.
The Braley’s were like the worst house on that country road (it was a paved road, houses about every 1/4 to 1/2 mile), a bunch of broken down cars all over their yard, an old, dilapidated, different colored house, looking pretty worn inside & out. There were 5 kids-I guess now only one of them is alive-Sue. I actually just found her on facebook a few years ago. There were 2 boy kids-david, who was a cpl years older than me, and Jim, who was like a teenager when I first remember him (the oldest), but he was in prison pretty much during the years when I hung out with Lora& Sue, the two girls in the family.
David was the youngest son who was a perv.
Sue & Lora were both a few years older than me & my sisters, so they kind of did things before we did, both having kids really young. Lora had 4 kids by different men-2 of the kids being twins with different fathers-one black & one Mexican.She ended up becoming an alcoholic fairly young, early to mid twenties. She ended up dying pretty young I guess-Sue said that she chose a hard life when I asked her how Lora died.
Anyways, I spent a lot of my younger teenage years, like13-16 probably pretty regularly, at the Braleys. Like I said I was allowed to smoke there, but most importantly it got me out of my own house with my dad and my stepmother Joyce. I lived with them all through high school, and I totally hated most of those years. My dad married Joyce and let her pretty much make the rules and she was also quite the bitch back then. She’s a lot better now but can definitely still be a bitch lol.
It seems like I have always been drawn towards what I can only call as the “lower class”. I can remember in elementary when at the beginning of middle school I was in the so called popular group, hung out with the girls who would eventually be the most popular in our class, but at some point in 6th grade I decided to go live with my mom in Virginia. By the time I came back in the 8th grade I had changed a lot-was smoking full time and I think just beginning to smoke pot, get interested in boys, etc. I was not what you would call a good teenager by any means.
I had probably 10 or so pretty good girlfriends in high school, but it was with what we used to call the “partiers”. WE had open campus for lunch and I don’t think I ate in the cafeteria once-we walked downtown rain or shine, blizzard, whatever.
Eventually I think it just became easier for me to make friends with people I thought were “below me” so to speak. I don’t mean to sound pretentious, i’m really not but that’s the only way I can describe it. I was sooooo insecure most of my life that it was just easier for me to relate to them—
As I got older, into my late 20’s, I became veryveryvery insecure, shy, idk what you would call it but my self-esteem was so low that I felt like people were staring at me 24/7 and judging me-I always felt very intimidated and judged. I quit being able to communicate with people-felt like I was being put on the spot and couldn’t think of anything to say. A lot of people thought I was shy, some thought I was stuck up-really it was just that my ego was so low that I was afraid to talk. Weird.
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