I dream again in First Journal

I haven’t had any dreams I can remember for a long time. That is until about a month ago, a couple weeks after my love left me. Some say I don’t dream because I smoke pot. I guess this could be true. My consumption has lowered since this breakup. My first dream was a little abstract but I remember the feeling. Her face would turn away and she walked out of every door in the room. If open them behind her to try and chase her but she was gone. If I looked back she was still in the room as the door closed behind me. The frantic feeling of wanting to be close but not knowing how or what to do to get back to her is what stuck with me. I cried that morning, a little confused as to what happened. Again, I hadn’t had a dream in a long time. This morning I awoke and remember another dream of similar nature. I found myself in a strange house. I was looking for her and calling out. Other people were there in the house. Strangers I don’t recognize. Where has she gone? The people began to turn on me and stop me from looking so I ran out onto the street to find I was on the corner of 5th an E st. By my work, A familiar setting. The cars that passed all had her in them with another man driving the car. There was a white truck I remember specifically. I, myself, have a long face and a long beard. The man I saw was similar to me but not anyone I recognize. His beard was darker and less wily and his hair was darker still with curls. She was in the passenger seat as happy as I had seen her when we were. As happy as I wish we could still be together. Smiling and kissing his cheek. It passed me in slow motion as if to taunt me. I chased the white truck with my stolen love and screamed her name. I had a hand outstretched and seemed to travel no where. The car increased its distance from me and I broke down, cried and asked why as if the many gods would answer if I was loud enough. It became a white hot noise. It sounded like heartbreak feels in the pit of my stomach. If this is what dreams are then I don’t want them back.

I consciously know, she and I both have personal issues we need to take care of alone. She wants to be alone overall but wants to explore and be with other men, but not commited. She told me that she doesn’t put a lot of weight into sex even though her desires for that is part of what seperated us. I try to take her word. She told me that eye contact and cuddling are what she views as the most intimate things. Something she struggled with until we were together. All of that comes with or after sex and I fear she will create an attachment without intending to as most of us do. I just want to brush my fingers through her hair and kiss the top of her head and lay next to her and be her rock and take her home with me and show her the world and grow old with her and die knowing she loved me and I loved her with all our hearts. It kills me to have to move on. We have a true connection. She feels it too. We used to say we were best friends. We talked a couple days ago and she wants to continue to be that. I don’t want her out of my life. I want to keep her close enough for her to see what she’s missing and to choose me. It will be a long road and who knows what will happen. I tell myself my heart can’t break anymore. That’s a lie I tell myself or a hope that keeps me going. “Mankind’s greatest strength and it’s greatest weakness”. Hope. I will go and improve myself and my situation and create some gravity. In the hopes that whatever may come I will be a better version of myself. For me and for whoever I end up with even if it isn’t her. I want it to be her, more than anything. I know life does not care and time is pushing us apart already, but here’s to hoping.

Last updated June 10, 2018