gained self-confidence; lost self-worth in 2018

9:23pm

Today’s thoughts:

It’s been a weird day. Not pleasant. I’m in a strange mood. Ever since I woke up, but I have no idea why. I can’t pinpoint where it’s coming from. Just snappy, and snarky, and sad.

Sadness. That could be where it’s coming from.

I haven’t felt this way in a while. Like the kinda sad feelings that penetrate into the inside. Where you can feel it in your skin and bones.

Does anyone else ever feel that way? Maybe I’m nuts....or maybe that’s depression creeping back in. Because I hate to admit it but I’m feeling a lot like the way I felt for most of last year.

I do not want to feel that way again. And I’ve been fine since the new year. I’m not entirely sure what’s bringing this on right now. The last week or so has felt off. I’ve cried just about every night. Not like “I need to get this out” tears but like full on sobbing on most occasions. It sucks. I want it to go away.

I know I’m the world’s biggest broken record, and I’m stupid, and obsessed, and probably need serious amounts of therapy…but I’m still not over TF. sigh
So a lot of this is brought on by the fact that I left my comfort zone, reached out to him after so long, and I still have yet to hear a word.

I mean all I said was “hi” and I honestly did not think that he wouldn’t reply at all. I thought I’d hear something. So it makes me sad that I thought we were fine and I guess we’re not.

Not sure what I was thinking when I thought that would be a good idea. I know that I would have regretted it, or fretted over it, if I didn’t send the message though. It’s fine in that sense. But it feels like I have to close that chapter without actually getting any closure.

I hate quitting. I freaken hate it so much. I’m a perfectionist and I like to work a project through to completion. This is definitely not a “project” but it doesn’t change the way my brain works. I wanted to complete this. If I’m honest, I wanted to get my way. I don’t even know what it’s like to just drop something and quit without a real reason for taking that route. It’s not a good feeling.

I had this thought yesterday that there’s a reason he’s not contacting me and if he can’t even be bothered to do that then I need to move on. I deserve better! I know this. I’ve always known this. It’s why I didn’t continue things in the first place.

What I also thought about yesterday, and realized, is that I gained some amazing self-confidence from my interactions with this man, but somewhere along that line I lost my self-worth. I lost my ability to believe in my own amazingness and to know that I deserve the absolute best in life.

I had that before, and I don’t know when I lost it, but I know that I would never before chase after a man that didn’t want me. I would have walked away without a second thought. No hesitation. No problem.

But I also know that I’ve never felt this mutual attraction to a man before either. Maybe that has a lot to do with it. I miss the passion. The affection. Feeling wanted. I miss feeling like I’m seconds away from having every thing I’ve ever wanted.

So yesterday I was all, ” This is my decision. I need to realize my self-worth again! If he doesn’t want to contact me; I’m moving on. I have to quit even if I hate it! It’s time. I’m done. It’s been over. etc. etc.”

…I knew I would be fine.
Then I got on fb earlier and of course his nephew just graduated middle school so there are pictures every where. His sister’s tagged so I scrolled through them and the last photo in the series is TF, his nephew, and his son smiling away.

One step forward. Two steps back.

For a second I thought about how maybe if I went on another first date then I could erase these constant memories of him. I don’t think I could do the online dating thing though. I have a profile on OKC but I never posted a picture. I was/am more afraid of someone I know in real life finding me than I am of being single forever. hah. Small towns for ya! So that’s out. I’m just going to hope it’ll come about naturally, eventually.

I’m not into it enough to want to date around. I’m too shy. I’m not easy enough for this modern world. Whatever happens, happens.

I know that I will get over this at some point in the future. I’ve just slipped a little. Forgive me. If I could get rid of these feelings, trust me, I would! I’m not trying to hold on to this any longer. I was never trying to hold on to this at all. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me…

rose.
10:43pm