All day in First Journal

How do I distract myself? I tried cleaning my house. Taking a trip to and playing my drums. Smoked pot. Placed another woman in front of me that wants my attention. Called friends. Played video games. Typed up a resume. Took a cold shower. All of this in a day of rest and yet I still wonder if she’s thought of me. I still think about her in vivid day dreams and triggered memories. I write this now to try and get it out of my system but it makes me feel worse. Like im obsessed. I don’t want to be that man. She wouldn’t want that man. I have a goal and it is becoming consuming. I’ll benefit regardless the outcome so I’m happy for the motivation. But I fear the loss again but if she knew this that would be the end. Grief is my torment and motivation. We are both my salvation. I can end it and face the closing of the book or write in the margins hoping to develop another chapter. To have a better ending. Futile to try. But I will continue on the path I’ve chosen.

Last updated June 10, 2018