1-800-273-8255 in surrender

I’ve felt like this for years. I can’t remember the first time the thought of being dead crossed my mind, but it’s been quite a while. Tonight, I’m contacting the National Suicide Hotline via online chat. I’m terrible at talking and I don’t want to cry. I hate crying. It makes me feel so weak and pathetic. I also don’t want anyone in my family to find out. They have enough stress.
I’ve been researching the most painless and quick ways to die. There aren’t many. The methods with actual evidence to support that they’re quick enough to be unnoticeable aren’t available to me because they require things I can’t get.
I’ve attempted once, a few months ago. I was so weak. I couldn’t just do it. Stupid body trying to make sure I have enough air. I’m so tired of existing. There’s no point. I’m just a waste of space. I have no other options. I can’t self harm. My mom would find out so easily because it’s too hot for long sleeves. I just want it to stop.
I know I’m just a pathetic piece of shit and no one cares. I know I have no right to feel like this. Others have it so much worse.
It’s overwhelming. I want to feel the life drain out of me. I deserve pain but at the same time I don’t have any right to it. And because I have no right, I deserve to feel more pain. I deserve to feel like this because I feel like this.
If I were to physically say this to someone, I would break down crying. But, just writing it out, I’m empty and numb.
I don’t know if I’m a danger to myself honestly.
Am I too weak to do anything? Am I really at risk of committing or am I just an overreacting freak? Is any of this real? Do I really have some mental illness making me feel like this?
I was on meds for a while. I stopped taking them because they helped. I started going to a therapist. I don’t tell her anything important because she helps. Everything I’m writing now- no one else has ever known. No one who can impact my decisions can ever know.
I have sharp blades. I have water. I have a pillow. So many options for death. I would like to have a gun. That would make things easier. Or rope. At least then it’s guaranteed. No room for mistakes.
What’s wrong with me.

If you’ve made it to the end of this stupid rant, thanks I guess. It’s cliche to say this, but if you or anyone you know has gotten to the point I have, call 1-800-273-8255, message them online, or text go to 741-741. There are so many anonymous online sources to get help. Don’t be stupid like me.