this isn't a sign in 2018

9:33pm

I haven’t been in the mood to write lately. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that way. Not really sure what lead to it. I guess I got tired of writing about the same old stuff. Or maybe I needed a break from it all because I’m about to ramble on about that same ol’ stuff right now. hah.

Things got busy at the end there. So many things going on. The phone that would not stop ringing. The people every where. The stuff with the Sheriff mixed into everything. He was a good distraction though. I don’t even know what happened to the last couple of weeks. Like how is it over already?! It doesn’t feel like that at all. I mean, I’m grateful but it feels weird. I’ll roll with it anyway.

I left some notes in here on Sunday and then some stuff happened today and I felt like I should finally come in here and type stuff up.

One of the notes was about TF [of course! sigh] mostly because I haven’t seen/heard him in weeks and he suddenly showed up all over my fb. It’s not even like I’d been estalking him either. I did check out his brother’s page some time in the last week but didn’t poke around too much. It just popped up and I got curious.

Anyway on Sunday I checked fb on my phone in the morning and when I clicked over to the notifications screen he was right there at the top of the people you may know. I closed it pretty quickly because I didn’t even want to think about it. Later when I went back on it was still there under notifications. He was at the top but the people below him were different. Really, world?

Then much later that afternoon I was sitting outside drinking a beer and scrolling out of boredom. His ugly mug popped up on my freaken feed. And because apparently I checked fb way too much that day I saw him again later on the computer list and by the end of the night he’d popped up on the front page sidebar. Like every where I clicked on that site his face was there. The creepy Universe has been torturing me for fun I think. -_-

That same night I left this bullet point: want to be open to something new, to someone new, to feeling it the way it should be. the way I deserve…

I’m not even sure where that thought came from. Something about the day maybe? About finally getting back out into the sunshine for hours. For feeling better. Wanting something new and different and finally feeling ready for someone else I guess. I don’t want to hold on to this forever. It’s only hurting me. No one else is suffering here. I’m the only one involved. And it’s stupid to hold on so strongly to something that clearly did not work.

I mean I’ve been better lately. A lot better. A thousand times better! But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t cross my mind every now and again. It’s certainly not happening the way it used to and it definitely does not feel the same. There are moments of course that still feel like salt being poured into my wounds but mostly I’ve been totally ok.

Reading through that one text thing that I mentioned was a real eye opener. It clicked on a lot of lights in this confused little brain of mine.

Here’s how I know the Universe loves to fck with me: Monday night we call the office to check messages. We’d just been there all Saturday afternoon but everyone and their mother had left a message. Including TF’s brother Lucas. When I originally heard the message I thought he’d mentioned the other brother but when we went in quickly to answer messages on Tuesday morning I realized he said he was TF’s oldest brother. I called him back and it went straight to voicemail so I told him we’d be in today and he could call or stop by to figure out whatever he had going on.

I left the office, spent a few hours hanging out in the car, and then went to my first taco Tuesday since December!! So nice! I missed those margaritas, and that bartender, and the ocean out the window. It was beautiful, and relaxing, and exactly what I’ve needed.

I thought about TF once when I saw the sock store down the street from the restaurant but I didn’t even bring him up out loud. Just ignored the thought and moved on.

sidenote: Actually I ended up sending a picture to the Sheriff. I sent the same picture to Tony as a test and later to the client as he texted me right when I arrived to ask how my days off were going.
Must later last night I was getting ready for bed and I was admonishing myself for sending the picture. He hadn’t replied to that work email or the birthday message and I always feel like a fool for reaching out to him. But I do it anyway! Over and over. I can’t quit the dude. And it always hits me when I don’t hear anything back. So that was going on and then this morning I checked my email and he sent a message around 11:15p at the same time that I was cursing myself in the bathroom. Ugh. Always with the overreactions Rose! I did feel like maybe I took it too far though. I don’t think we’re really friends and I probably shouldn’t have sent that picture. Oh well. Too late now. Of course I haven’t heard anything regarding my reply and I did call him from work because he never said if he wanted copies and I was getting all my paperwork together. I blanked when his vm picked up though so who knows what rambling message I left.
/end long sidenote

Back to today: I’d been at work for about 15 minutes when mom was looking out the window and goes, “Is that TF? Yeah that looks like TF.” I got up and tried to look out the window but was at the wrong angle. She said he was talking on a cell phone and had gotten off a black suv type thing. I told her I couldn’t see him and that he didn’t have a car like that. I told her she was hallucinating and then because she couldn’t see him anymore we moved on.

A couple minutes later Lucas walks through the door. Hmm? I figured she mistook him for his brother and was planning on joking with her after he left. Turns out he had a letter with some stuff he needs to fix. It had nothing to do with the paperwork that I did this year which was good. But we’re going to help him fix it anyway. Mom had walked back up front to see what was going on and had taken the letter to read. I was facing her direction when someone tapped on the window behind me. I turn around and there’s TF on his cell phone smiling at me. I smiled and waved [out of reflex I swear!]. His brother goes, “pretty creepy huh?” Yup.

About a minute later TF walks through the door and looks right at me. He was smiling and so I smiled, said hi, and turned around. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him walking right towards me. I sit behind a computer monitor but his brother was standing in the middle of my desk so I figured he’d go on the opposite side. Nope. He walked right towards me so when I turned back he was standing there with his hand up to give me a high five. Really kid? Whatever. I chuckled and probably rolled my eyes and high fived him.

He moved around his brother after that. Started eating candies from our dish. We were mostly talking to his brother since he had the issues. Didn’t say much to TF. I could tell he was watching me though and I didn’t want to make too much eye contact. We did stare at each other a few times. His brother was also watching me at the beginning while mom read the letter but I didn’t make eye contact with him. Too awkward. hah. I mean I did every time we were talking to each other but otherwise I avoided.

He was very professional and calm this time around. No joking. No teasing. It might have been because of the whole paperwork situation but I kinda think it was because his brother was there. It was so weird to see him so serious. I have a strong feeling he would not have been like that if he was alone. Interesting the way that works.

At some point TF asked if we had any water, that he’d seen some before, and mom went to go get it for him. I asked if that was all he’d come in for. To eat our food and drink our water. He said something about how he thought he was getting a cavity. Uh yeah dude maybe it’s from all the candy I joked. =]
Oh when he’d first walked in and high fived me I asked how things were going then if he was there to pay for his brother’s stuff. He goes, “yeah I am” and ends up pulling out a card from his wallet to hand to me. I didn’t even think about it when I reached out to take the card. Like I’m not sure why I did that because it took a second or two for it to click it was a credit card. He was saying something about it but since it had just clicked I turned around and pretended to slide it through the cc machine. He said it was a gas card so I could take all the gas I wanted out of it. haha. It happened so quickly though that I’d almost forgotten that happened. I handed it back and that was when he moved.

The reason I remembered was because later mom asked if he was going to pay because he had all that money we helped him get. I jumped in and said that he’d spent it all and he started making a comment about how he still had his lunch money from 5th grade stashed under his pillow. I said no way and his brother said it was true he had it all. I was going to make a joke about knowing where he lives but skipped it. It was kinda weird with both of them there at the same time.

Later as they were leaving mom made a comment about how TF was supposed to be working and he said that he was because he works with his brother now. He gave some long job title and I laughed and said he’d made it up. He swore it was true and I asked his brother and he said it was true. Not that I believe him much more than TF. They’re charmers. Charming men are good at lying. But I don’t know. Maybe it is true? I did notice the card he handed me had the name of the Lucas’ company. So perhaps. We said we’d be able to prove it when we saw the papers later. I don’t know if he’s working both jobs or just switched. Mom made a joke about living in the rich neighborhood Lucas is in and he said he didn’t make that much. His brother said he made more than him and I don’t know. There were laughs and stuff. We’ll know more later. It looked like they left together in that old black ford.

Lucas is supposed to get in touch tomorrow if he finds the papers we need. Not sure if he will. Most those boys are bad at doing what they say. TF was supposed to call me back in early March and I’m still waiting. I couldn’t give him a hard time with his brother there though. Like I said it was weird. I didn’t bring up anything that was said between either brother and I. I could have made jokes about how Lucas was supposed to hire me too, but didn’t. Other things too but I stayed pretty quiet.

I will say here that seeing TF again was different. Good different. Not crazy Rose status. It felt nothing like seeing him for the first time again in February. When he walked out the door I didn’t feel like I’d just been robbed of some magical happiness like I did that day a few months ago. He was there and he was gone and that was that. It was what it was.

Honestly that whole thing between us feels like a long distant memory. Like maybe it wasn’t real at all but a simple fantasy like the hundreds of fantasies I’ve had about so many guys. One of those things I think about to distract my mind before I fall asleep. That’s all it feels like now.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like his face. It’s an awfully cute face, especially when he’s got a beard like today. That’s why I tried not to stare too much. I try not to think about it too long and if I do that I’m fine. It’s all fine as long as I don’t focus too hard on the way I feel about it.

If I think about it too long it does start to hurt again. From some deep down place I don’t even know how to find unless I’m looking into his eyes, or imaging them. And when it doesn’t hurt in that way it reminds me of how I’ve never been attracted to another guy’s face like that. He’s the only guy whose pictures I could stare at for hours. He’s the only guy that can turn me on like that.
So I block it. I ignore the thoughts, and the feelings, and I shove them deep down until they don’t exist in my conscious mind anymore. I will not be attached to this forever. I will not let this consume me any longer.

I want to move on. I want to be open to something new. To someone new who’ll deserve a real chance.

That part of us is done. I’m going to stick to the way I felt when he walked out the door today. Like we were back to old times before anything ever happened. When he was just a client walking in and out and he’d never noticed me watching from afar....because he never really noticed me…

rose.
10:43pm