As a mother struggling with postpartum depression, I have found it quite difficult to open up about how I am feeling. April is always a hard month, because you see all of these posts on social media about women who have lost children (just last year I miscarried my first child at 9 weeks), women who are struggling to get pregnant, and women who cannot have children at all. This year is no exception. I see women who are struggling to conceive, who want a child of their own so badly, they would sacrifice anything and everything to become pregnant.
And then, there is me.
I have a beautiful daughter who brings so much joy to my life. I have found a love that I didn’t know I could ever feel in my life. But at the same time, I resent ever having her. This demon that resides in my head makes me want to be as far away from my child as I possibly can be at all times. It convinces me that I want nothing to do with her, and that she would be better off without me as a mom. That my husband would be a better parent if I wasn’t around. That my parents and my in-laws are constantly judging me (even though they are not, I am convinced of it every day). The demon tells me that I am a bad mom for not wanting to take pictures of my daughter and share them with the world. That I am a horrible person for not wanting to talk about my daughter every waking moment of every day. But at the same time, I love her so much, that I would die broken hearted if anything would ever happen to her that would cause her any form of harm. I could never leave her, even though there are days when running seems like the only option. No one can be her mom like I can, because she is mine, even though there are days I don’t want her.
These feelings are subdued with medication and meditation. There are a lot of times during the day were I have to separate myself from reality, and try to regroup my thoughts so I do not loose myself. The thing that hurts the most, is that unless you have been there, you don’t understand how a mother could ever have these thoughts. Why would a woman ever bring a child into this world if this is how she feels? Honestly, if I could shut it off, I would. I wouldn’t wish this condition on any woman ever. No woman should ever bring a child into this life and have to deal with this. I wish it never existed. I hope that it will subside. I pray that my daughter understands.
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