Serenity Now in Musings

I’m making a serious effort to keep my emotions at a distance. My life-long tendency has always been to lead with my heart. As much of a neurotic as I can be, my heart has been in control of my decision-making much more than my head ever has. And by heart, I don’t just mean love and affection and relationship-type things. I mean emotion- passion. I am a quietly intense person. INTENSE intense -hidden beneath a calm, friendly exterior. I am everybody’s buddy and confidant because I present to the world a steady, level equilibrium. Underneath, I am roiling- cascading between emotions and moods and fighting off devastating lows. Once people get close to me, that generic, smiling front dissolves and I am seen for the person that I am. I shy away from intimacy because of that. The more I care, the more I feel. The more I feel, the less I’m in control of my roller-coaster interior landscape.
But ironically, keeping the world at a distance leads me into an isolating, lonely existence- which then feeds the frustration and anger, and ultimately leads to the crushing depression that I have battled my entire life.
I’ve finally realized that the only way I’m ever going to have any sort of balanced, “normal” life is by learning how to manage my emotions, rather than being a slave to them. Mindfulness, “quiet mind”- however you wanna describe it- I need to devote myself to learning how to dial down my emotions as they flitter across my consciousness without shutting off completely. My whole life has been ruled by a giant on/off switch in my head. I’m either passionately intense or in an empty void of depression. I rarely have a nice level plateau of pleasant,mild thoughts and feelings. I think I’ve worked thru enough “stuff” in the past several years that I’m finally at a point in my life where I can focus on controlling that interior emotional dial and not get side-tracked by all the shit that has always floated around in my mind. It’s be nice to not go to war with myself every day- and the only way that’s gonna happen is if I take control of the ruckus bouncing round my brain. Serenity Now…

Last updated April 17, 2018