Storm Clouds in Musings

I woke up from a dream today in which a much, much younger me had just let out a primal scream of pure anger ,and then proceeded to throw three sets of car keys at my mother and then rush her and push her down to the floor. Unresolved anger much? Anytime I have an unsettling dream such as that, my day is pretty much shot. I go thru the motions and do what I need to do- but I feel like I’m encased inside an emotional whirlwind. I call these days my “Storm Cloud” days- a day of “swirl”. Thankfully, they happen much less than they used to, and I’ve learned how to face the day rather than curl up and hide from the world. I run the gamut from bewilderment to extreme sadness to frustration to simmering rage and back again on days like today- all the while keeping on my placid exterior mask for the world to see. It’s exhausting , and I never seem to be able to really build any positive momentum- I feel like I’m in an eternal game of Chutes and Ladders and am always sliding back to Square One after climbing a few rungs toward emotional well-being. And all of it is hidden- this whole “swirl” is happening inside of me and no one ever has an inkling of the cyclone in my head. It helps that I work alone much of the time, and don’t have a lot of personal interaction- but I’ve become the master of disguise on my “Storm Cloud” days. Tomorrow I climb the ladder again…