Dammit, dammit, dammit!
I will not get sucked back into your circle! You have entirely too much power over me. Why do I still feel protective of you? Why do I still want you to succeed? Why do I care?
You’re in Dubai, at an international competition, surrounded with sights and sounds.; people to talk to, experiences to have. Why are you texting me about the fact that I wouldn’t like the beds, why do you care that I wouldn’t like them?
It’s been 3 months today, three months since I forced you to finally tell me you wanted to break up. Since I made you feel better about telling me you didn’t want me; weren’t in love with me and didn’t see that changing. Three months since you burst the bubble I’d tried to create that I could deal with all of the stuff that had gone down. Thinking about you and dealing with you still makes me sad. I wrote a list of why getting involved with you again is a bad idea, it sort of helps. But I still find myself wanting to write down all the good things about you. I still wish you could see in yourself the things I saw in you, still see in you. And oh, I wish I could fix you!! But there’s nothing I can do, about any of it. You need to spend a whole lot of time looking inwards, figuring out what exactly you want/need. You need to get in touch with your emotions, allow yourself to feel. Stop being so afraid to get attached. Interdependence is NOT codependency. It’s ok to lean on people, but you have to return the favour too. You can’t constantly be overwhelm with the feelings of others and run away from them.
I hated that I always felt so needy around you. I wanted you to compliment me, make me feel good, appreciated, loved. I did that for you, you always brushed it off, but I’m sure to some degree you appreciated it, but you rarely returned the favour. Fine, I can build my own self-esteemed, but I needed to feel like I wasn’t alone in the relationship. I needed to feel like you were in it with me too. It hurt to realise you actually had invested, or you say you did. You said you had hopes, plans. We never talked about it. I was always scared to bring up anything too far in the future. You panicked at the idea of my booking a flight to travel with you to Peru, was I really going to bring up maybe living together? I always felt like I was pushing you, dragging you out of your comfort zone. Strangely, at the same time, I felt like sometimes I was a convenience. I was good for you, for your self-esteem, your image. I felt like you did a lot of things out of obligation, rather than because you actually wanted to. Maybe you felt that I made you feel obligated, maybe I did.
I’m really hurt that you went back to her so quickly. I wish that you would just sleep with her, but you actually ‘date’ her. I don’t understand how that works. How you can care and yet not care. I’m not interested in dating John-Paul, but sleeping with him was fun. Granted I do enjoy talking with him, but he’s becoming more and more clinical so I guess we’ll see. It was fun when it felt like there was an attraction, a fascination there. Now I really just feel like a sex partner, which is much less appealing to me. Guess we’ll see how the next time goes (if next time there is).
Yeah, so I guess I just don’t know exactly how I feel. I don’t know how I can miss you and long for you and at the same time sort of hate you. I want to cuddle with you, have you hold me. I don’t want to sleep with you, that seems to have lost whatever appeal there was in it (Not sure how much you really enjoyed it to be fair, always kind of felt like there was something missing for you). So I’m sad, I’m confused, I’m still hurt.
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