Flashpoint in Musings

I lost my temper tonight. My babygirl cut her finger and I assumed her dunderhead husband wasn’t being as attentive as needed, as he is clinically oblivious by and large. My ownership instincts kicked in-my need to protect her led me to lose my cool. I still chafe from time to time as I run up against the boundaries of this relationship. I’ve accepted her domestic responsibilities to her family, and respect her for the way she fulfills them. Our relationship isn’t that-it’s something different and deeper. But, I still get frustrated at the parameters sometimes, especially when I am concerned about her. To her credit, she navigated my anger beautifully. She is becoming more and more in tune with my moods, and the flashpoint quickly came and went as she first challenged and then soothed me.
Anger- and ALL strong emotions- have been my bugaboo for a long, long time. We’ve discovered that I may have some tendencies toward what is known as “quiet” borderline disorder. Instead of acting out, the emotions rise and swell inside me like a volcano about to spew its lava. Usually, it’s just an internal swirl that no one else ever has to deal with- no one is ever even AWARE of it, for the most part.
But my moods are a never-ending roller-coaster. I’m starting to finally get a handle on them better, and the more self-aware I’m becoming the more I feel in control. I still have a lot of work to do- incidents like tonite still happen irrationally and regretfully. I’m hoping the flashpoints become less and less frequent, and that my internal temperature gauge stays out of the red for extended periods- and on the flip side, that I don’t turn off completely and shut off. Modulating that on/off switch will always be my greatest challenge, and that’s why I continue to search for a quieter mind and some inner peace.