Oct.: Family breakups depression sabotage bettie page easy a halloween in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.
- Feb. 5, 2014, 8:02 a.m.
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- Public
'1st
So, after Target we went to my dad's mom's [Carol's]. My mom was direct with her, telling her she'd been mean and offensive and rude. Which I agreed to. I listed the changes, excluding my grandfather dying. My mom said that John [Carol's husband] 's family was worried about the effects my grandmother's condition [the drinking/not taking her antinausea meds], was having on him. As I've stated, he's a wonderful guy. very warm, hospitable. Like a cookie; full of good things.
And Carol's. selfish. Since she evidently fell earlier this week and John's going out of town this weekend, my grandmother has 2 choices [while he's out of town]: she can either have my dad stay w/ her, or. she can stay in the assisted living floorof her building. But she can't stay alone. [I'm guessing because they're afraid she'll fall again].
Neither of which she wants. Well no wants that in a situation like that.
I told my grandmother she likes my dad and she doesn't have to pay him to stay with her. Which she would the staff in her building.
She said she feels it's an imposition on my parents. My mom said it's 3 days out of his [my dad's] life. I don't know if it's so much an imposition as that my grandmother doesn't want to recover. that she wants to keep drinking.
In which case, there's nothing we can do. We can't make her care. We can't make her get out of bed.
My dad and uncle Ty [who was here over the summer], are both nice guys. We know I sure as hell won't be that direct with anyone. [one reason I don't think I'd make a good mother. yes I'm loving and sweet but I'm not very good at being direct/frank]. So my mom has to. which isn't fair to her.
story of my life.
My grandmother knows what everyone else wants for her. For her to recover. But we also know that it's ultimately her decision. [and by 'recover; I mean, get out of bed, take her meds, etc].
Well I have depression too! But I.....I......I do stuff. kindof. I, um. go to the store. the movies. write.
Again, going back to my blurb about goals: it's not so much the goals you have as that you have them.
My grandmother's changed. Or maybe I have. Maybe I'm seeing her for who she really is instead of who I've wanted her to be.
It's frustrating.
Oh. my mom also said to my grandmother she'd never [as in, she hadn't ever. well. and that she wouldn't], hit me. which is true. but she's yelled.
I'd started getting past remembering her, knowing her [my mom] as she is now and not who she was. and then......I don't need reminder tht she once scared me.
She hit Kate though.
That's how my mom grew up and she knows it's not right. I made a vow in high school that if she ever did anything like that again I'd tell someone. and that vow still stands. [probably Lindsey, given we've been friends for 6 years].
My mom told my grandmother my dad has Asperger's. she was shocked. I explained it to her.
But evidently, according to my mom, Carol knew this. she's just in denial.
yeah. just.......like my dad.
So, the elevator in my grandmother's building was slower than usual. My mom and I took the stairs down.
So..........
after all that, my mom and I went to Safeway and King Soopers, where we bought food.
then she left.
Later in the day I went back to King Soopers. along with the usual items, I bought a book [Ken Follet's Pillars Of The Earth] and blueberry muffin mix [it was on sale].
thanks for reading/letting me vent'
'and.......once again I've been fuked over by a guy. [and pardon the literal interpretation but yeah, that too].
So, Jacob and I were talking [by which I mean IM-ing]. and, I was telling him about Bryan [as I tell Jacob most things].
And...........Jacob told me, that Bryan might've only been with me to have sex 'with a virgin'.
yeah but when Bryan and I were together I'd told him I wasn't a virgin!
because of the assault [specifically being penetrated] I don't consider myself a virgin.
Just what exactly do guys consider being a virgin, anyway? having sex?
Here's a tip for ya; if ya want to know how a guy thinks.......ask a guy.
I "should've" just told him I'd had sex. but that. would be lying and I try to be honest.
and it never occured to me to wonder why he hadn't called/emailed [Bryan]. I just thought he was busy.
yeah, and some people who are busy are just that. Steph, for instance. James.
Up untill just now i didn't know he just wanted to fuk me [which, by the way, was consensual] and then that'd be it.
Look I know guys want sex. I do. But that shouldn't be their only reason for being with someonen. If that's your only reason then, ya know.....you can go fuk a prostitute.
That's actually the reason why Brandon and I don't talk. because I didn't want to be the girl he fuked and left.
so, the morning Bryan and I had sex was a Wed. he left [not abruptly] and then came back later that day. Thursday he drove me to the mall and......that was the last time we hung out.
no, wait. no it wasn't.
the last time we hung out, actually. was when we had sex i'm sorry.'
'2nd
I literally just broke it off with my now-ex boyfriend.
Becuae he, apparently, was using me.
It's not like we were in love. We weren't. It was casual. And, as my friend Bryan pointed out, if he hasn't gotten back to me by now then he won't.
The email stated 'us being together won't workout'. That wy, I'm not blaming anyone I'm not pointing fingers. I'm not going, 'I'm breaking up with me because you fuking used me'.
Yeah I know guys want sex. but if the girl's not into it or wants to wait then. Respect her.
sigh. men suck.
[and apparently women do too but I've never had any really bad relationship experiences with women, so].
and yes. I realise there's not a straight man that won't want to sleep with me, given I'm cute/beautiful/hot. sweet/pretty easy to fall for.
It hurts more that I've been used than anything.
Why can't people just be honest about things like this? Why can't they spare you all that trouble and go 'yeah I'm going to sleep with you and then you'll never hear from me'.
I would never...........do something like that.
I feel good about this decision. it feels right.
You know, like that one commercial. I think it's for insurance.
But, ya know?
I'm so lucky to have a strong, independent role model likemy mom and my beautiful sister. I really am. And although we don't talk it's.........it's the principle of the thing.
Through watching my mom all these years.
I've come to realise, I'm not one of those women who feels she's incomplete without a man.
I got my music I got my writing. I got my strong female role models. I'll be fine.
That's one less thing I have to worry about.
I emailed him because it's the decent thing to do.'
'I am somuch happier since I broke it off with him. Not happy; happy-er.
which means. I'm single, again. and I'm totally fine w/ that.
If a guy friend of mine wants to date me, then ok. I'm open.
whatever happens. happens.
i'm going to let the chips fall where they may'
'3rd
that I broke it off w/ my most recent ex.
I posted it on FB and I think that's why she phoned yesterday, to talk about what happened.
Well other than sex, nothing really happened. He was nice to me.
Also, back in January, she made me promise her I wouldn't have sex, so. I'd told her I wanted to have kids by the time I'm 30 which, she blew completely out of proportion.
Yeah but just because someone wants to [do something] doesn't they mean they will.
Whereas with Susie [the friend I've known for 10 years; we met in middle school], she didn't tell me not to have sex she told me to wait. She didn't judge. [which we didn't, Bryan and I].
And Kate judges me tells me what to do/not to do.
Which, again. is one reason we don't talk.
[she's 20, by the way. i'm 23].
the other being that it'll eventually get back to Mom, so.
I'm fine. well I mean I'm better than I was. a lot better.
yeah we had sex and there's nothing anyone can do about it since it already happened.
which........is why I'vebeen avoiding phoning Kate. we don't even talk about why we don't talk.
And this doesn't allow for notes because.....I don't want advice.'
'the floor was covered in roses
when she walked into the room. covered in bruises
from her previous relationships.
but god she was gorgeous.
powerful but not,
possessive.
the water goddess.'
'4th
When asked, "why are you single?" it implies there's something wrong w/ being single. No I'm happy being single.'
'What with the breast cancer and assault.
To clarify. I didn't have breast cancer. My paternal grandmother has been in remission from it for the last 3 years.
It's been 6 years since the assault, which. is pretty great. It still feels unreal at times. And it always will. there'll always be questions holes gaps.
I was used twice, no 3x since August by men.
um.
I'm not really surewhat thepoint of this entry is, actually.
sorry.
hm.....
Oh. I think it was that I always dread October. I love Halloween. hate October. and the week of is said grandmother's 3rd wedding anniversary. I want to get her husband and her flowers. I mean, I feel like I have to get her something.......just like with my dad. I don't want to.
and then after Halloween comes winter, which I hate.'
'......making me.
'This' being my previous relationship.
Yeah I wasn't happy. obviously. or else I wouldn't've wanted to be w/ someone else.
But now that I'm single.......I don't want to.
It's weird/interesting: he treated me well when we were together. Had he been mean I would've seen it coming.
It's what he wasn't doing.
And, up untill Jacob and my other friend stated it sounded like my ex had been using me [for sex] I had no idea.
The sex was consensual but he. pushed me into it. he had 2 condoms; I didn't have any. We went to King Soppers where they didn't have any female ones. which. is ridiclous.
he wouldn't go in with me to get them. ok I get it. but it made me wonder.......were I having my period and didn't have the money and needed supplies. would he have bought them?
[I'm well stocked on pads though].
If my sister, for instance, ever needed pads and such I'd most certainly buy them for her. or a friend.
But I guess it's different when you're a girl.
After all, she bought me Plan B [which, untill very recently, I didn't understand was to be used only if something goes wrong. Just like untill very recently I didn't understand that no, scientifically-speaking, apples are not related to roses. I don't like this part of me; things that are so blatantly obvious to others just aren't to me. It's that simple. I'm not really a science person.I can have a conversation with someone about scientific facts and whatnot and it's interesting and I learn stuff, yeah. but it's.....not something I really want to talk about. see, I'm not a facts person. I go by how I feel about something. I don't know how else to explain it].
Can someone push someone else into sex even if it is consensual?
and I wanted sex long before that. I just. didn't do anything about it.
He was cool but not all that sweet. or considerate,apparently.
oh my ex thinks it's not ok for someone to be sexually assaulted but it is for him to use me for sex. ok wow.'
'.....pretty.
Now hear me out. or. read me, I guess it is.
Part 1
Whenever I see someone that's hot/gorgeous I keep looking at them, and then feel weird for that. It's not polite to stare. But I guess it's different fo rme since I'm a girl.
And secondly, whenever I'm looking at them, I think 'no wait maybe I should talk to them because they're nice and not because they're hot'. But don't we all do that?
I don't want to be one of those girls, that guys are afraid to talk to because they see me and think 'wow. she's. really pretty'. I'm cute, at the very least. I'm also really nice.
Sometimes
Sometimes people are insanely attractive but. that's all you get from them. There's a line from one of the songs in the movie Hairspray; 'big, blonde and beautiful some day your looks will be gone'. and it's true.
Part 2
I often see these gorgeous/hot girls but....if you don't at the very least look confident or relaxed or open, it....it somehow detracts from the fact that you're good-looking physically. I'm not sure how to explain it. but I know there's a correlation. oh, or approachable.'
'So. i'm kindof a dork. in that i I love coloring [and like colors], connect-the-dots and crosswords. Which I don't often do. I've heard it's good for.....memory, I think it is. As is reading/writing.
I think we should celebrate the small things. I was thinking about this today. Not neccessarily as a whole. But, do what we like. You know, watch the tv shows we like [as trivial as that is], listen to the music we like, read the books. and so on.
Whether we realise it or not we really do learn something new every day, even if it's not.....in a learning environment. Such as, 'hey I really like that song' or 'I like doing this activity'.
I love learning.
My mom's the kind of person who gets excitied over the little things.
I was proud of myself for making it through the 2 filling appointments, this week [today, actually] and last. I think it's good to be proud of yourself for getting through something you were nervous about. it's like 'hey you made it! you're awesome!'. '
'So, in the car on the way to the dentist's a country song came on the radio.
Now it's not that I don't like country; I do. It's not my favorite but if it's on the radio I'll listen to it.
But, when I'm in my mom's car and it comes on I don't want to listen to it, because it's emotional. Same w/ Italian opera. And that's actually why Celtic is my favorite music. It's the accent that makes it emotional.'
'So, in the car on the way to the dentist's a country song came on the radio.
Now it's not that I don't like country; I do. It's not my favorite but if it's on the radio I'll listen to it.
But, when I'm in my mom's car and it comes on I don't want to listen to it, because it's emotional. Same w/ Italian opera. And that's actually why Celtic is my favorite music. It's the accent that makes it emotional.
/movies.
I've found that, the movies I really like are the ones I relate to. You know. The main character has something different about them: Edward Scissorhands, Finding Nemo, Phantom [loved it], Rain Man [god that was sad] and so forth. I was telling my sister this once and she said something along the lines of "well maybe you like them because you relate to them". and she's right.
Edward Scissorhands, which I just recently saw [as it was on tv over the weekend] is so sweet and sad and whimsical. Johnny Depp in that movie is just darling. Enchanted was also darling.
Apparently, the plot of Rocky Horror is somewhat like Alice.[in that] the main couple gets taken to a castle where they meet strange beings. You'd think I'd like it, as I loved Coraline, Alice, Wizard Of Oz.. those types of movies.......but I don't. It's, the most bizarre movie I've ever seen.
I just loved Funny Girl.'
'14th
"
So. I'm back. and furious. and apparently, also. selfish.
This entry's going to be insightful. I'm allowing for notes though hesitant about doing so.
Oh, and to clarify: I'm not furious because I'm back. Those were 2 seperate thoughts.
So the other night Jacob and I were talking. We all know how much I hate snow/winter/the cold. He was saying "yeah well I hate summer but I'm happy with it".
ok how can you be happy about something you hate?
maybe he meant....he's accepted it as is.
In fact, I hate winter so much I'll do anything to not have it come.
But. I have a reason to hate it. I have SAD.
no see, he's right though. I don't work near as hard as I "should" on my depression/recovery. No, in fact, I don't write in a notebook every day about either. not like I used to.
I'm not in therapy. I don't take meds. While I realise there'r more than those 2 methods of dealing it's like......since I'm not doing either of those things I'm not. in the minority. i'm not mainstream.
and i never have been.
I haven't changed. no not really. sure, maybe daily discoveries are made and different sometimes interesting things happen. but that's all on the surface.
[for those who forgot Jacob's one of my ex's].
I'm still stuck exactly where I have been for years.
it's like.....I don't even want. to recover. or else, for instance, I'd be buying more food.
because recovery, the end result, is boring for me. I've never been happy.
According to my mom I was happy when I was little. yes but I don't remember that and if I don't remember it it's like........it didn't exist. I only know about it through it being talked about.
and I want to be interesting and the fact that I already am.....isn't enough for me. it never has been this isn't anything new.
what am I without my depression?
I'm like that guy in '500 Days Of Summer', the guy she fell in love with. being just ordinary wasn't enough for him, either.
It's true what they said in that Alice In Wonderland movie, the new one. all the best people are mad........Van Gogh, Marilyn Monroe [well ok no she wasn't. but she went through a lot], Frida, um......Emilie Autumn.
I've fully realised I'm actually choosing to be depressed. now I understand why people lie. does this mean I'll choose to be happy? well no.
i'm the reason i'm depressed, irresponsible. the only person i've failed. is me.
and i really hate it. i'm clearly miserable but i won't do a thing to change it we all know that.
and yeah so ok maybe I do sabotage myself. I say I won't let myself get close to people as I hate being hurt but maybe what I've been looking for all this time is to..........find an excuse, to cut. maybe that's what every cutter wants.
if that's not you you're perfectly welcome to disagree.
but no one will admit it.
damn right i'm pissed at him. damn right.
i hated myself a little less today
i'm sorry that i'm a bitch'
'15th
ok so that - the title of this entry - was a really bad/subtle joke.........thing. Also, a glee reference for those of you who watch Glee. It's a reference to the 'Funk' episode. [<3]. [The specifics of this reference are.......Quinn stating something to the effect of "I've got plenty of soul. I'm furious", describing what funk music is. Soul + fury. I......could possibly be wrong here though].
makes sense, given how musically inclined I am. I sing however I'm feeling.
and, as am I. furious, as previously stated.
And here's why.
*Jacob
*with Bryan [my most recent ex Bryan.]. because he used me. for sex. According to Jacob and my other friend, the only reason that he wanted to 'get with me' is to have sex with me.
I get guys want sex I do. oh and women don't? we do.
but if the only reason you're with a girl is to have sex with her then. ya know what? go and find yourself a hooker.
and after I told him I wasn't a virgin! ".......you're a very well educated virgin". ha.
And I haven't been one since I was 17!
no ok. See, here's the issue.
My definition of 'not being a virgin' is that if you're penetrated, doesn't matter how, then you're not a virgin. not. if you've had sex.
[I mean, obviously I care. if however you were penetrated wasn't consensual then I get it. I don't need to know the details atm].
my point being.........perhaps my definition of the word 'virgin' differs from some guys' definition.'
'Note, I said some. not all.
By 'older' I mean anyone 24 - 30. I don't have a problem dating younger guys, long as they're 21 or older. that way, if we want to get drinks, it's not awkward. that's the drinking age in the states, anyway. Now, that being said, it doen't mean we always have to get drinks.
Now I don't know about older women as I've not hung out w/ women much.
is that they always ask 'what do you want to do with your life?'.
oh god. I'm just trying to get through right now. I'll deal with the future later. The future, actually terrifies me; that's why I don't plan it. Which, in turn is precisely why I should plan it. You know. remember when you were little and you used to have fire drills at school? it's the same kindof thing.
yes I'll admit my life could use some more fulfillment. but that doesn't always have to mean working/going to school. It could mean.......painting. or writing. or something along thoe lines.
but the future is now.
I'm perfectly fine not having a plan. It's other people our society that's not. oh as though a job's the most important thing. Um. what about being happy?
And, again. very few people are happy with what they do. My mom's friend Karen [they've been friends for about 30 years they're both in the choir] is one who is. she's a lawyer.
That's one reason I don't ask people what they do. If I'm at the dentist's I already know what they do. It's not that I'm not interested; it'sthat. I don't want to have to explain. everything.
and also?
I'm only23. sure yeah maybe when I'm 30. but that's not now.'
'this is about/to Michael [the guy i used to be friends with]:
entitled: missing you him
In April
you facebooked me stating you didn't want to anymore.
you didn't want to be friends all of a sudden out of nowhere but maybe it wasn't. not for you.
i wonder how you've been what you're doing how your business is going. and, even though we don't talk, i still haven't told anyone about your business. i'm a woman of her word.
we didn't hang out that often to begin with and then. you said never again.
in a way it makes sense i mean, i was the newest member of the group your sister and your cousin are obviously related in came in the lesbians left meagan
turned out to be. well i hate to say anything bad but, a bitch. i wonder if you wonder about me. if you even care at all that you've hurt me. proving to me that once again men suck. no wonder i'm sexist.
was i too much for you? a basket case terribly broken with all my issues, addictions. recovery depression relapses. too fragile for this world.
yes i'm that chick from breakfast club you know the one the basket case one.
yours is the family i always wanted. i could be who i was. had i known that, back in april would've been the last time we spoke i.........i don't know. if i was in fact too much for you then why did you waste my time? you're moving forward and i'm not it was right around this time last year that we met you were the exact male version of me
i called you the other day. you called back. maybe you'd deleted my number. shouldn't surprise me i just.....never thought you would of course. as we so often do i'm only seeing things from my end. haven't a clue about things on yours.
we weren't in love and. i knew nothing was ever going to happen between us. i never listen to pink floyd it reminds me of you and the hurt but. you're really easy to fall for. i mean you know that you've told me that.
do you? miss me care wonder think i'm not sure i want to know the answer
you must know how much it hurts you're a sweet guy you had 2 choices you could either apologise or
[what's the most polite way to tell someone to eff off? oh. wait. there isn't]
not talk to me again. and unfortunately for me you you you chose the latter.
i wonder if you'll read this i want you to you know i want to work things out
but what we want and what we get are often 2 seperate things.'
'this is actually quite interesting. well. i think it is.
My other problem with advice giving it, that is, is that.......
I don't want to give advice that everyone else would give you. So when I say 'I don't know what to tell you' it's er. um.
what I really mean is that.........I don't know what to tell you other than what others would.
But, here's my question.
Is that common, for people to get the same piece of advice from others?
I don't have a specific example right now
Please be nice. thank you.'
'slight TMI good entry.
It's now 5:40 Friday morning. My heater's going and I'm beyond knackered.
So yesterday I got my period. This is good for 2 reasons. A; it means I'm healthy and 2; it forces me to slow down.
I'm so relieved it's Friday. aren't we all? I still get excited for the weekends just like I did when I was little. Other than visiting my grandparents next.........Thursday I don't have a whole lot going on for the next few days which is really good. I've been busier these past 2 weeks.
Well. Tomorrow my mom and I might go see that new Emma Roberts movie, It's Kindof A Funny Story.
um........hm......I bought some of those tealights the other day, the flameless ones. no real reason other than they're cute. I'm excited for Halloween. My plans for it are to wear black, read my cards and hand out candy if anyone comes to my door. I know nothing big. but that's the thing about being my age is that you can choose what you want to do for the holidays. it's nice, in a way.
maybe they'll be something Halloween themed on tv.
A movie I'd like to rent is Rear Window, with Grace Kelly. I like her. oh for fans of horror I recommend Repulsion, with Catherine Denueve. It's an old black and white psychological flick.
I'd love, one of these days, to go to Mexico for Dia de Los Muertos and see the monarchs. butterflies. In middle school Spanish we learned about the holiday and made alters.'
'16th
about my recent note, the one about my recent entry regarding that I'm absolutely fine w/ not working/going to school.
If you disagree, or I've mis-spelled something, or have a fact wrong, or. you have a question ok that's fine. You can respectfully do that without making me feel worse.
And, I said 'some' older men. not all.
see, this is the exact reason I don't allow for notes most of the time. because people are mean or bitchy........rude. offensive. in some of their notes.
Oh, and some people who leave notes are. not all.'
'17th
Jacob, that is.
given he knows me yes he does have the right to judge me. which is ironic because he doesn't judge people.
or maybe he's finally seeing me who I really am. when you're in love with someone it's easy not to see that. because love's a fantasy.
he'lltell me he loves me. i don't know what to say about that because i don't love him. not like that.
for the past 2 weeks we've had. very explicit phone calls. which brings to mind my own sexual issues. as said i just. don't like male sex organs. i like sex because I don't have to do a damn thing. er. well. The idea of it, rather. for that very reason.
Last year he wasn't like that. We didn't have explicit phone calls.
I think he finallygets that I'm not the most responsible person. um yeah. I've been telling him that for years.
My point.
Maybe he was wrong when he said I didn't deal with shit. because I do. either by writing about it in here or by. not. dealing with it.
we don't talk because he pissed me off which by the way is a very hard thing to do. I don't usually talk to people straightaway if they piss me off. i don't want to say anything i'll regret later. You can't unsay something.'
'yeah i guess it'd be 'relapse'.
hm.......so yeah. i've relapsed.
I haven't however ended up sick because of it. Like, before Jacob got me all angry and hot and bothered I was numb. And I was telling him this and then. yeah.......he pissed me off.
You know. it was the whole 'i want to believe you when you say it's going to be ok but can't'. thing.
yeah but I didn't want him to actually do anything about it! I wanted him to be there while I bitched about my life.
So back when I was really depressed I didn't care. about anything. about my body about what happened to me. about recovery.
it's like 'it doesn't matter if i eat'. i'd actually convinced myself that i went to such legnths that..........i almost left.
if I'm not here people can't hurt me.
also. I'd completely lost my appetite due to my period. which i got Thursday. what's weird/interesting is that I didn't recognise I was PMS-ing.'
'22nd
It's been awhile.
I haven't written for 2 reasons [if anyone cares at all to know]:
1: I don't want to write only to find another mean note. maybe some people don't realise that typing in caps is the same as 'yelling' at someone. [yes i realise i could also/always delete that particular note]. Again, as gone over. If you don't agree with me or have a different opinion or are curious, that's fine.
and
B: over the past 2 weeks there's been some stuff brought up from my past that I don't want to write about just yet
So.
I've had this theory, also. as gone over. that happiness = boredom.
Well lately i've been reading over my past entries, [as I've copied them to my xanga and myspace] and thinking about Michael. He's happy. He's also. one of the most interesting people I've ever met.
so maybe I'm wrong.
[when I say I'm hesitant about leaving notes it usually means.......be mindful]. '
'23rd
I watched this the other day.
I just adore Bettie Page. She died about 2 years ago. She was in her 80's.
She had such a sad life. And great. er. a great chest. I don't say that very often.
She was so cute and sweet and saw the best in people. a bit naieve.
She reminds me a bit of me, actually.'
'24th
So I saw Easy A yesterday. I liked it better than I thought I would. It was cute, funny. I really don't like Emma Stone's voice. They butchered both 'We Go Together' from Grease and Joan Jett's 'Bad Reputatioon'. Joan Jett has one of those voices you just. can't replicate.
so, short review.'
'26th
So Saturday Iwent to Target where I bought 2 CDs [Glee, Lady Gaga] and 2 magnet sheets w/ the Disney Princess magnets on them. yes I'm a dork. One's for my sister. We love Disney. they were in the dollar bins.
then I went to the mall where I went to the bookstore, calander store, Starbucks and movies. I bought a brownie and cookie at Starbucks, nothing at the stores. The cookie was chocolate chunk. they were both good. I saw 'Easy A'.
While I was waiting - the movie started at 2:45 and I got to the mall at 12;20 - I had 4 tea samples from Teavanna. 2 were fruit. one was jasmine raspberry, which I didn't like. The lady was wearing an AC/DC shirt. she said they're a great band. I haven't heard enough of their music to know.
They alway have free samples at that store.
Also, while I was waiting I talked to my sister [via phone]. We shared news, talked about Dad, Halloween. She's going to be an angel awww. I won't do much, stay home and hand out candy. I'll probably wear my witch's hat. and watch either Hocus Pocus or Little Shop. those'r my contributions to the holiday.
Sunday I didn't do much. '
'27th
Monday I mailed a Halloween card to my sister and bought a chai latte and blueberry scone from Starbucks. I don't think I'll buy that scone again. But I was really thirsty, so.
After which I stopped by the Halloween costume store. didn't go in.
Yesterday I went to King Soopers where I bought most of my Halloween candy. And fall cupcakes since they didn't have Halloween ones. They did, however, have Halloween sugar cookies.
I then went to Chipotle where I bought the usual, guacamole and chips. I put the change they gave me in their tip bin. They have really good chips.
A lady came and asked for a fork. I had to wait a bit which was ok.
I love being there. It's so comortable.
Came home.'
'28th
I've stated this before.
I feel like sexual assault is misunderstood. Some people might still think it's this random guy. Instead of your ex boyfriend who hurt you. Now I don't know for certain they think that.
He was the guy I was intimate with. the one I spent somuch time with. no he wasn't just the guy who assaulted me. [though, clearly the assault such an awful thing that he'll for now always be referred to as 'my ex].
I tell people I was sexually assaulted and. they sometimes don't understand what that entails. I'm not going to go into specifics because I'm not comfortable and. often it's TMI.
I could say the other word. that makes everything official. and awful. that I never use.
But, for the sole purpose of not being vague in this entry, here's the word; 'rape'.
I've come to realise, it's not the person I'm telling; it's the subject matter. that makes it difficult.'
'since Halloween's coming up.
I used to like candy corn untill I learned it was made from gelatin, which is the same thing marshmellows are made from [pigs]
One year for Halloween, my middle school science teacher's daughter was. the moon? iIthink. She was cute. When I was little I was a nun. My 4th grade teacher had gone to a Catholic school, which I thought was like. the coolest thing ever at the time.
I was a gypsy. chick i think, in Disney. which has. the best Halloween parties.
In middle shool I was Princess Aurora. Another year, Anna, from The King & I. I don't think my middle school computer teacher got that....he thought i was Scarlette O'Hara.'
'29th
Help please.
So, I like to bake. Though, I don't bake a lot.
At King Soopers they have these aluminum baking pans. [Which are about $5 less than the metal ones]. 2 questions.
1: is aluminum bake-able?
and
2: is it re-usable?
There isn't anything on the pans regarding the above questions.
I have a brownie pan, from my grandmother. I want an all-purpose one.
Thanks! '
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