not for long in 2018

4:19pm

Today’s a warm day, but with wind so it’s not too hot. I like that. Up until now I’d forgotten how windy it can get here in the Spring. It got up into the 90s last week if you believe a certain temperature tracker, high 80s if you don’t. I’m ready to be out in the sunshine again. To wear shorts and tank tops and work in the backyard until it’s too hot and I need a beer. :)

Speaking of cerveza: I had a lot yesterday. Well, not like a lot but maybe like 6-7. I lost count at the end. And mom knocked half of another onto the ground and shattered the bottle. We were there from about 2ish until 8 something. I wasn’t enthused about driving an hour away on my only day off before a 17 day stretch at work. Or particularly excited about socializing, but these people are alright. Mostly I sat in the sunshine and drank my beer, and ate some good bbq, and stayed quiet. Almost as good as silently sitting on the couch zoning out to hallmark movies.

Now I’m trying to stay really conscious about taking life one day at a time. I don’t want to get stressed out and I know there are a lot of people left to come in. The returning clients don’t bother me so much [except the crazies] it’s the new ones with all their questions and thinking they’re the only person that’s here at the last minute to get things done. Uh helloooo there’s two of us and a hundred of you. I do not have octopus arms!

But whatever. One day at a time. Wake up, come in, answer phones, take appointments, move through the day, go home, rinse and repeat. Before I know it we’ll be done and I’ll breathe a sigh of relief. Two weeks isn’t that long to get through. My only worry is my battery being depleted from all the interaction. I should be able to fake it though or just stare at everyone with serious eyes.

It’ll be fine! =]

I haven’t heard anything more from the Sheriff after the little email exchange. Not entirely surprised. I said I probably wouldn’t hear back from him again anyway. I’ll be shocked if there’s another contact before next year. Sad but true. I don’t know him well enough to know if he’s like this with everyone or only me. It’s not like he owes me anything but it’s weird the way he just stops responding. Like he’ll basically ghost me for months at a time [or an entire year if I don’t reach out], which is why I thought it was interesting the way he said it had been forever since he’d heard from me. I keep trying dude and you keep blowing me off!

As much as I’d like to be friends, and think we’d really get along, I’m not sure I’d want a friend that disappears so easily. I don’t know. I guess I do have friends that I don’t speak to for months at a time, but those are long-term established friends not something new. It’s hard to create something new without all that interaction at the beginning. Whatever. I’m just rambling because my brain is struggling to make sense of our weird thing but I don’t really need to make sense of it. It doesn’t matter. We get along fine when we talk and maybe that’s all it is. Maybe there isn’t supposed to be more. I do enjoy what we have!

I meant to write about these thoughts a long time ago, like back when I was trying to process the crazy year I’d had. And I wrote some stuff down in a draft I never finished.

I was so caught up in this thing with him because I don’t feel that way about just anyone that walks in the door. On a regular basis I see people, we work together, and they leave. Not a lot of second thought. With him it was so different. We connected instantly.

It was hard to let go of the fantasy because I’m a hopeless romantic on the inside and I really wanted that random encounter to mean something more. It seemed like such a destiny thing you know? Noticing that stranger sitting outside the coffee shop even though I hardly ever look up. The way I watched him disappear out of sight and then suddenly he was standing at my desk leaning close with those eyes staring into mine. Our first meeting and I was so comfortable I felt like I could actually be myself. All of me. The sarcasm and wit. The jokes. Everything. No hesitation to show him what I’m really like. I still can’t think of anyone else I’m able to be that way with. That connection. That’s what was so hard to let go of.

I have a feeling that if we ever did start talking more and hanging out we’d end up having one of those conversations that’s like, I like you, and you’re awesome, and we really get along, but we’re just not right for each other for a forever thing. I don’t know why I feel that way. Just a thought I’ve had.

Maybe the truth is I’m still not far enough removed from the TF thing. Even yesterday I was sitting there in the sun in my tipsy state of mind and I looked at his fb. -_- And one more beer would have had me sending that email draft to him. I thought about it! I opened it and everything. The only thing that stopped me was the idea of him calling me right then and there. It made me nervous and I didn’t know what I would say so yay for being too afraid of the unknown! =\

[Instead I texted the client even though we hadn’t spoken in a week and half. And luckily Tony was around a little to entertain me so I wouldn’t say stupid things out of alcohol and loneliness…]

We’ll see how life works itself out. It always catches me off guard. Even, or especially, when I think I have it all figured out.

For now I want these people to wrap things up so I can go home, eat, and go to bed. This day should be done.

rose.
6:58pm

Last updated April 03, 2018