Her Patronising Streak in Days of My Destiny

She had this patronising streak about her. Even in the early days, when she’d challenge my assumptions and help me critically evaluate my perceptions, she’d use this different tone of voice. She’d lower it in pitch and volume, and she’d speak just that fraction slower. Over time I figured it was one of her quirks. But you know, reflecting the situation to my sister, I realised that it couldn’t be a quirk, otherwise she’d use it out of context. Now I look back and think, fuck you, that was patronising!

Another event happened at the end of last year. She left a job she was in for 10+ years and organised a dinner with her friends to celebrate. Of course I wasn’t going to miss it. There were about 15 people there that night (the first time I’d seen a large turn-out for something she’d organised), half of whom she was surprised even turned up. One of those people was someone who I had absolutely NO idea where he came from. We were all sitting at a long table. I was at one end, next to her, and this guy was at the other end. So I asked her quietly who he was. She began to fill me in. Turns out she’d told me about him about a month or two before that at our last catch-up. He was a guy she’d been kinda seeing, kinda dating. When I made the connection, I was excited and my eyes lit up and I said, “Oh!! He’s hot!!” And that was that. I left early that night because I do have children and I was exhausted from a crazy week. Then I went on a family trip to NZ, and when I came back we decided we’d catch up again.

We met at a cafe in early February. Somehow the topic of that night came up. She said, “Oh yeah, we need to talk about what happened that night,” to which I excitedly replied, “Yes, yes we do!” She replied with, “No. No, we need to talk about YOU that night,” and walked off to order her food. I was left dumbfounded - and shocked. What the hell could I have possibly done? When she returned, I said, “Oh my goodness, what did I do??” to which she replied, “Don’t worry, it wasn’t that bad, really, I mean I was angry at you for a few weeks and didn’t know whether to bring it up or not, but I’ve moved on now, but I just need to place some boundaries around what we talk about and where.”

So … her version of what happened goes like this:

By the time this guy showed up to her dinner party, she was wondering why she’d even invited him at all. They’d been kinda seeing each other for about two months or so when she realised that he was a bit of a possessive person. She’d tried to tell him some things and he just didn’t listen. She tried to tell him those same things a lot clearer, and he still didn’t get the message. She realised that he’d also started to portray some minor stalker-like “qualities” (or the opposite of that). But anyway she invited him along to the dinner, and there he was. I, of course, was none the wiser about what he was like, because her and I hadn’t caught up in some time, so I didn’t know how the story had evolved since our last catch-up. All I knew was that THIS was the guy she’d excitedly told me about last time, and so therefore I was excited for her. Of course she wasn’t going to sit there at that dinner table and say, “Actually, no, he’s like this and like that and I’m not sure why I invited him,” I mean it was just the wrong time and place. But after I left that night, they all left and went elsewhere to continue the night. This guy wasn’t really supposed to be a part of the group then, but he persisted, and according to Her, it’s because he heard me say, “Oh! He’s hot!”
Turns out, things also got awkward with her and another friend while I was away, because this friend “somehow” found out that Her and this guy had a bit of thing, and she was upset because SHE also liked that guy. My friend reckons that there’s no way at all that this other friend could’ve known that something was going on between them, except for the fact that I said that night, “Oh! He’s hot!”

So she explained all this to me at the cafe that day, and told me that the reason why she decided to speak to me about it after all was because, through seeing that guy for a while, she realised that she needs to lay down boundaries in clearer ways with people. So she then said to me, “So this is me practising my boundaries: from now on, we DON’T talk about my private life in public settings. We just don’t.”

Even though inwardly I was a bit like, “What the hell, what’s with this patronising tone?” outwardly I went, “Yep. Got it.”

And that was that.

The thing is.......... possessive people have their own way of thinking. The fact that he persisted on joining the group after dinner that night has actually got nothing to do with what I said. I do know that my voice gets louder when I’m excited, but there’s no way he would’ve even heard me, because for starters, I wasn’t THAT excited, I was just showing enthusiasm for something good going on in her life. Even if he did hear me, well, WHOOPS! It’s still not my fault, because he still had stalker-like qualities, so that wasn’t ever going to end well. (If she was already questioning whether to invite him or not, she shouldn’t have invited him anyway.) Besides, he and I were at complete opposite ends of the table, AND there was loud music playing in the restaurant that night.

The way I see it is, he persisted on joining the group after dinner that night BECAUSE SHE INVITED HIM TO DINNER. Don’t you think that would send signals? Maybe some I like you signals and I want to spend some time with you signals???????

But no, according to her it was all my fault that things turned weird that night and that he messaged her for days afterwards.

And even though I understood she was “practising boundaries”… I REALLY didn’t like her tone. In fact, as the days passed, it really made me feel yuck. I didn’t like that her patronising streak showed itself to me again after ALL THESE YEARS. Do you really think I am THAT dumb that you need to use that on me? I thought we were passed that. I thought we’d grown together and gotten to really know and respect each other.

So… goodbye and good luck. Because I am better than that and I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that.

Last updated April 05, 2018