7:09 PM, Thursday, January 4, 2018
Right now I feel like I want what I can’t have and what I can have I don’t even know that I want. Complicated, right, well, that’s the way it goes in my head most of the time. It’s hard to even begin to try to explain when honestly I get confused just thinking how to put it into words. I just feel it, I know the feeling, its familiar, but I don’t want to feel this way, though its so natural for me now. I felt great earlier, well, I did feel anxious during the meeting, and during therapy I did feel irritated, but I figured that was because I was talking about work and realized how I really have been at work. Trying to do it all myself and not ask for help because I think I should be able to do my job by myself and feel inadequate when I can’t. But when I try to do it all myself I get frustrated and overwhelmed and end up seeming like I’m mad at the person I tell or rant to, as my way of asking for help, when it is a lot of the time a manager I am running to or witnessing the behavior. At that point I don’t care or see that my attitude is affecting others and don’t even have any thoughts other than I need to get this done and things or people keep getting in the way so get out of my way. That’s basically what my actions are showing me at least and the others around me. It can happen anywhere, but work is what this is referring to right now.
I can’t do it all myself, there have been many times where it has been proven over and over that I can’t do it myself, in many different situations and parts of my life, but I go on until I break. Even then I keep going, asking for help at my weakest moments then go back to my old way of doing it on my own, thinking and believing people are out to get me or think bad of me, like I am weak. Few people have told me with those words, but I have told myself it in the past. I’ve been called many other names, but even those names I believed more in the moment than calling myself it.
Ok, so I think we’ve covered it all, I can’t do all that I think I should be able to do myself and it is not bad or weak to ask for help, its actually good and better than trying to do everything by myself which causes me to get overwhelmed and anxious and ending up getting less done or stopping altogether because I’ve stressed myself out too much. If I ask for help I will have less stress and can get more done and work as a team player and have a better attitude and also be willing to help out someone else next time.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the life you have given me, thank you for my sobriety, my family, my job, my friends, a safe place to live, and most of all thank you for your unconditional love. No matter what you’ve always been here, even when I walked away from you or denied your existence. You loved me, and you rescued me over and over again, knowing what I would do. You still loved me and were right there with me all the times I felt so alone, and isolated, in darkness, and chaos. I wanted to die and thought I would, I even hoped I would daily. I sold myself for other people and for drugs and a daily life. It truly was one day at a time at my darkest moments, and there were times I was so deep in that life that I didn’t see the danger I was in, how fast things got out of control and even the control I had given to others. I thought I couldn’t live without drugs or certain people, I would rather have died than lose any of that life. It was all I had, it was my life, no matter how awful and lonely it was and how much fear I was in, it was mine. The idea of walking away scared me more than staying in it and giving in. I went back to it so many times, but there were times I would say out loud that it was going to get better, that I had been someone before and had a real life, and that I would get out and get better someday, but I had to be ready. Even my mom told me the last time I made a plan and didn’t follow through with it that she wanted to see me and have me back in Orange County, but if I wasn’t ready she would rather have me wait until I was truly ready or else I would go back like I did before. I did start praying to you, you knew before I did that it was time. I know it was you who gave me the courage and open-mindedness and honesty to see and search for answers, that if I stayed that would be my life. That I wouldn’t get sober, have a life I wanted, I wouldn’t get better there. You are the one who gave me the hope to say I can get better, you were the one who gave me the hope which lead to faith in you. You brought me back here, and showed me a way out and I wouldn’t be alive without you, I wouldn’t be sober without you, I wouldn’t have the life I have today without you or all the relationships in my life without you. You placed people in my life for a reason and I know you have a purpose for my life and everything I’ve done and gone through, there is a plan for my life and a purpose for all the pain. I love you Lord and want to do your will, not my own. My will always leads to pain and hurt feelings, chaos and misunderstanding. Your will leads to joy and comfort. Please Lord guide me through this day and allow me to stay clean and sober, to be the best sober woman of God I can be. Thank you for the opportunity to grow in you and for putting the desire in my heart for a new life, I am so grateful for you and your love.
Love always,
Brittany
Loading comments...